If you’re thinking this pandemic was just cooked up in a darkened room by my opponents in the celebrity hot dog eating contest in Fort Worth each Independence Day, you might be right.

For the second straight year, Curly’s Frozen Custard has canceled its Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating contest. In a tragedy of sadness, their public relations manager broke the news to me.

“But how will I defend my title?!” I screamed out.

Loyal Scaiaholics will recall I was the champion of the radio division in the celebrity heat two years ago. Never mind I was the only competitor in the radio division. That doesn’t matter. I still had earned a trophy.

You’ll also recall I was declared grand champion last year even though last year’s competition was, if we’re being honest with each other, cancelled.

So even though I’ve never, technically, eaten a hot dog faster than anyone in Curly’s Frozen Custard hot dog eating contest history, I was devastated to learn I would not be given a chance to defend my title for a third consecutive year.

Throughout the pandemic, Curly’s has been stalwart, gently reminding us if we just stock up on hot dogs and frozen custard, we’ll be okay.

In fact, business at Curly’s has grown. It’s not safe to eat inside? They don’t even have an inside!

I would add that big coarse bun he mentioned is the only reason I can’t win because it’s so fluffy. Nathan’s, while embracing Fort Worth as the only approved hot dog eating contest outside Coney Island, did ask for a change to differentiate it from New York. So Curly’s does not allow hot dog dippin’.

John, the public relations manager, regaled me with issues other contestants have had during the eating contest, explaining the bun is too luxurious to be rushed.

This year, to prevent any COVID variants from being contact-traced back to a hot dog eating contest, the owner of Curly’s has cancelled the event.

He’ll still hand out 300 free hot dogs, though. You’ll just be able to eat them at your own pace.

The past year and a half has been tough. We’ve dealt with the pandemic. We’ve dealt with record cold. We’ve dealt with flooding, but let us focus on the positive: Businesses can reopen and make their own decision about eating contests … and the rain led to a solid Parker County peach harvest which, in turn, led to a bumper crop of Parker County peach frozen custard.

And Hashtag: Breaking News: Because it’s been a good year for drive-thrus and sittin’ outside, there are now plans to open a second Curly’s Frozen Custard location in the part of West Fort Worth that’s been blowing up.

Next year, the hot dog eating contest can come back better than ever. Maybe when the second location opens, he’ll introduce a regional competition culminating in a Curly’s National Finals [patent pending] at the original site, which will include a celebrity heat where I receive another trophy to put on the mantel, regardless of where I finish.