Several members of my newsroom are on the low-carb diets, discussing ketones and what-not. One of the traffic anchors will occasionally come back to the coffee machine [my desk is near the coffee machine because I’m nothing if not a social butterfly] and talk about things she can and cannot eat with another reporter.
But a recent study in a medical journal that looks quite official suggests low carb diets can actually shorten your lifespan by up to four years.
“Wait, so you’re telling me the all-bacon diet won’t help us live longer?!” I can hear you hollering at your computer while shaking your fist.
Back in the day, the hospital in the first town where I worked would send over a guest once a week for a talk show. One week, the guest was a dietician [I want to say the topic was how to keep a New Years resolution]. It turns out, I was doing a lot of things that would cut my lifespan by much more than four years.
At one point, she started talking about the dangers of caffeine. I said something to the effect of, “So you’re saying if I cut out caffeine, I’ll live to be a hundred!?”
“You’ve got a lot of other things you should worry about before the caffeine,” she responded, suggesting I maybe cut back on fried food and beer first. Oregon has the second most breweries per capita, though! As a journalist it was my responsibility to try them all–a reporter asks!
Back in Texas, one of our other traffic reporters had a different idea. Randy and I go way back. We’re both WBAP castaways. During the gluten-free craze a few years ago, I vaguely remembered him posting an occasional rebuttal on Facebook [Kids, “Facebook” was a social media site your parents used when they were younger, before your generation shifted to the Myspace].
I mentioned this to Randy the other day.
We’ve given this a lot of thought, and I’m prepared to unveil a new weight-loss scheme [never mind that I’m enormous. It doesn’t matter]:
The Gluten Plus Diet
The Gluten Plus Diet, featuring a crudely drawn logo made with Paint, is similar to Atkins in that you don’t have to count calories. You simply need to focus on getting your essential glutens each day.
Readers Digest reports if you don’t get enough gluten, you’ll get sick. Sick!
Like any diet, people are more likely to succeed on Gluten Plus if they have a partner or support group to hold them accountable. “Are you sure you’re getting enough cupcakes?” for example.
“We’re not here for a long time,” your diet buddy might say, assuming your diet buddy is George Strait. “So make it a good time. Maybe try Luby’s. They’ve chicken fried everything.”
It’s a rigorous system, but if you stick with it, Gluten Plus may work for you.
