Today, the Texas Rangers begin their defense of their consecutive division titles. In both cases, they lost to the Toronto Blue Jays in the playoffs because they mistakenly converted the baselines to metric and 90 meters (or “metres”) made it more difficult to let out an infield single.

The Rangers, as usual, will be introducing some new dishes and let reporters give them a try.

This year, the Rangers and Delaware North are introducing 19 new items. As a journalist, it was my responsibility to try to them all to make sure they’re right for you, the consumer.

Never Ever Quit Sandwich

If you’ve ever thought, “This ribeye sandwich is good. If only they had fried the cheese, onions and jalapenos,” Delaware North has taken action. I forgot to take a picture of the fancy display, so in the interest of journalism, I had to go back for a second one and take a picture of that before I ate it.

The NEQ is at the newly-named Rebecca Creek Saloon (Captain Morgan was demoted) for $16.

Texas Snow Balls

The Texas Snow Balls are where, I swear I’m not making this up, they take some brisket, dip in funnel cake batter, fry it to a golden brown, coat it in powdered sugar and drizzle it with a spicy barbecue sauce. Like this reporter, the Texas Snow Ball is a combination of sweet and savory. As I ate, I discussed the dichotomy with one of the chefs from Delaware North. Texas Snow Balls are $9.50 at the State Fare stand.

Most Valuable Tamale

Man, it’ll be years before they find another place to hide a TamArlington Dog. This is lovingly drizzled with glaze, but instead of barbecue sauce, the glaze is chili. It’s also coated with sour cream and nacho cheese.

This will set you back $27 at the Texas 24-inch Stand, because the Rangers now need an entire concessions stand dedicated to food that’s at least two feet long.

The Farm

Last year, I wrote about the Wicked Pig, which ensured you got your essential porks. Delaware North executives, wearing chefs hats and huddled in a smoke filled room, read that and immediately started planning next year. Now, you’ve got The Farm, which is a burger, lovingly topped with country fried chicken then lovingly topped with bacon.

The Farm may cause animals to rise up and enslave humanity, but on the plus side, it is cheaper than the Wicked Pig at just $16.

In the suites, the Rangers are also jumping on the que-noe-ah bandwagon.

The Rangers also have other giant sandwiches, but those are also only available to people in the suites. There’s a roast beef situation and a turkey club. That one’s lovingly topped with tater tots.

My hope is the Rangers win the division again so Delaware North starts experimenting during the playoffs. I’d like to see them dunk The Farm into funnel cake batter and fry that up. Then they could serve it in a wrapper that includes the name of a good cardiologist.

I would add that I just had my annual physical, and my doctor told me my cholesterol was normal.

The Rangers and Delaware North also put out some vegetarian dishes. I did not try any of those, but I’m sure they’re delicious. Just delicious.

Frankly, I think “Mediterranean Nachos” sounds made up.