Hot take: Martin Luther King Jr was an inspirational figure. He was an activist who used nonviolent action to advance civil rights for people who’d been discriminated against for generations.

But it’s possible, as a white fella who grew up in a well-to-do neighborhood, I never developed a personal connection to his work.

Until now.

Listen, Dr. King, I was misunderstood in speech class, too.

I actually believe I scored higher than a C in speech class, but not much higher, and mainly because my teacher grudgingly accepted I could make up a compelling argument even though I hadn’t, technically, done the assigned research [really hitting the extemporaneous in “extemporaneous speech”].

Oh, perhaps our speeches covered slightly different topics. King took speech class in college and had already started formulating a profound message of equity and acceptance. I took speech class in high school and talked about urinal etiquette.

The speech in question was an homage to the work of modern philosopher Dave Barry.

My speech teacher, you see, was a bit curmudgeonly, although I suspect he would appreciate my use of the term, “curmudgeonly.” He had us deliver one speech outside on the football field so we could learn how to project our voices while maintaining control over inflection to still deliver an emotional message.

He had the ladies in the class join him on the field to learn how best to recite a speech by Sojourner Truth in 1851. Us malcontent, rabble-rousing boys were sitting in the stands entertaining ourselves… right up until our middle-aged, male, curmudgeonly teacher commanded our attention by really belting out from mid-field, “Ain’t I a woman?!”

But back to urinal etiquette: We’d been assigned to write a speech that incorporated visual aids.

When I turned in the outline, he did not agree urinal etiquette was an appropriate topic to discuss in mixed company.

I, meanwhile, felt this was an excellent topic, a conversation starter which would incorporate several visual aids.

Ironically, even though Mr. Heman shot me down, my theology teacher heard me talking about it as his class started. He did tell me to give the speech and delayed the start of his lecture on the importance of the Catholic faith so he could learn more about urinal etiquette.

Tragically, I no longer had the visual aids, so I had to write on the blackboard about how the first gentleman going into a public bathroom should choose a urinal on either side.

A second person is then bound by good discretion to choose the urinal farthest away.

To keep maximum distance among everyone involved, a third person should choose the urinal in the center, keeping the adjacent urinals open as buffers.

Of course, there are exceptions, which I covered in the speech [because this time, I did my research]: If there are dividers between urinals, it is acceptable for a gentleman to occupy #2 or #4. In the case of an even number of urinals, a gentleman may use one as long as he has at least one side open as a buffer. Otherwise, the gentleman may use a stall. It’s important to note these rules do not apply if there is a line of people waiting.

Afterward, my theology teacher called me to his desk. I expected a heartfelt father figure-esque talking-to about why it was wrong to try to give that speech.

“And I’m sure you knew it was wrong,” he explained in the version I imagined.

Instead, he explained the speech I should have given is why we should actually wash our hands before going to the bathroom instead of after.

“Your manhood’s tucked away all day as soon as you get out of the shower,” he carried on, and 20 years later, I still remember him using the term, “manhood.” Then he started reaching out, grabbing various school supplies scattered across his desk. “Your hands, meanwhile, are touching all these disgusting things all day. You manhood’s probably the cleanest thing on your body, and you’re going to soil it with your dirty hands?!”

I feel like he had embraced the men’s bathroom aspect of the speech, but not the need to incorporate visual aids. I suspect if I’d taken out a visual aid in speech class for that discussion, I would have been required to join some sort of registry.

But back to Martin Luther King, Jr.

He and I both shared difficulties in speech class. But he went on to lead the nation during the civil rights movement.

I am now the best radio reporter in Texas. Just remember that kids: if you make a speech on urinal etiquette, that can help you hone your craft so some day you can cover Martin Luther King parades professionally.