TGI Fridays, because our world had become too harmonious, now reports we’ve been eating cheeseburgers incorrectly since the dawn of time.

James Corden described the situation concisely, explaining TGI Fridays is trying to bunsplain the process to us.

But as a Steak n Shake Master of the Grill, I felt obliged to refute TGI Fridays’ position, bunsplaining to the bunsplainer, if you will.

A Master of the Grill, you see, doesn’t just pick up a spat and start flippin’. One must observe and learn by first apprenticing at the dressing table. You must take time to learn the fundamentals.

The fundamentals couldn’t be clearer: Mr. Cop goes on top.

Surely, I don’t have to explain further, but just in case: Mustard, relish, catsup, onion and pickle were placed on the upper level of the steakburger. By placing lettuce and tomato on the bottom, you lent the burger structural integrity.

We weren’t savages, though. You would place the mayo directly on the bottom bun and mustard and catsup directly on the top bun. That way, the condimently goodness could soak into the bun’s crevasses [or “bunvasses”, if you will] without the entire burger becoming soggy.

The position of the Master of the Grill is the onus to balance the structural integrity of the burger with the desire to maximize the cornucopia of flavors lies with the producer, not the consumer.

Does TGI Fridays wish for cheeseburger consumption to become a chore?!

Lamentably, the entire industry is changing. Steak n Shake itself is no longer based in Normal, Illinois. I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t even require punk kids working the dressing table to memorize the chain was founded there in 1934.

Steak n Shake has even empowered customers to pick up their own doggone food.

Moving further away from the reason I started writing several minutes ago, what is this truffle stuff?! Does Steak n Shake think it’s better than you!? I have half a mind to head down to Steak n Shake’s corporate headquarters [which is now here in Texas], grab the spat right outta the CEO’s hand and start flippin’.

Because this reporter refuses to abandon the fundamentals.

Another Master of the Grill is hockin’ knock-off Frisco Melts, just broadcasting to the world the secret Frisco sauce is Thousand Island and French dressings mixed together.

If that’s where we are as a society, I’m pleased to offer autographed spatulas. I think you’ll find my rate quite competitive.