A match, technically.

“Listen,” Vladimir Putin said, gazing thoughtfully off into the distance. “COVID has grabbed headlines the past two years. When’s my turn?!”

And then Major League Baseball, responding to my declaration of the 2021 Cincinnati Bengals as honorary 1994 Montreal Expos, delayed spring training just a bit.

We might feel beaten down heading into the weekend.

But FC Dallas has something for us all. Loyal Scaiaholics know how seriously I take food tasting events before the start of a season, and their opening match is next weekend. In fact, I attended FC Dallas’ last new-food introduction just before society was discontinued two years ago.

Their executive chef and I discussed that this week.

I was running late, though. I texted their public relations person, and she said I should absolutely still come.

When I pulled in, Rex Turner, their executive chef, insisted on frying up a new batch of tater tots [more on the tater tots in a moment].

This year, their menu has seven new items. As a service to you, the consumer, I was obligated to try them.

Monster Taco has many of the characteristics of a taco, just on a larger scale. Turner explains, it is, in fact, served in a pizza box.

It’s big enough to share if you’d like. Or not. Your body, your choice.

Similar to Firecracker Chicken on a Stick.

Bacon is such a protective food. Firecracker Chicken on a Stick is chicken breast stuffed with smoked cheddar cheese and jalapenos. Then the entire dish is wrapped in bacon to keep it together.

Then it’s slow smoked over Texas oak.

“That raises an important question,” a reporter asks. “If the Firecracker chickens sell out quick, they can’t just whip up some more like hot dogs.”

A chef prepares. First, there is no off position on the smoker. Second, the bacon and cheese lovingly nurture the chicken, so he can cook a large batch ahead of time.

As you can see, I did not share this shareable item. I did, however, comment to the woman standing next to me, “I simply don’t understand why I don’t seem to be losing weight on this Keto diet.”

That habanero sauce was good for dippin’, but while the ranch cooled it down, the habanero added an insouciant kick. Turner acknowledges the kick is intentional, but it’s more than just spicy for the sake of spicy.

Back to the tater tots. It had been two years since FC Dallas’ last new food event. It was time to take the Texas Tachos of 2020 to the next level: Ultimate Tachos.

This year, the Tachos are topped with jalapeno and cheddar sausage, pulled pork, jalapeno ranch, chipotle queso and, even though “queso” means “cheese”, shredded cheddar cheese.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t know what chorizo was. Was I really alive?

The Rex Mex Dog is an all-beef hot dog, topped with chorizo [because with an all-beef hot dog, the pork has to be added], cheddar cheese, white queso [which, again, means “cheese”], jalapenos and, obviously, crushed Doritos.

At most of these events, I make a hilarious remark about how they had some fruit over there, but I didn’t try it. In fact, I did try the fruit cup, and even that had some kick. I’m not entirely sure what Tajin is, but maybe Putin is putting it in his vodka.

Here’s a complete list of the new items. Dan Hunt, president of FC Dallas, is expecting a stronger season, so maybe the players are getting into the Tajin, too.