Loyal Scaiaholics will recall I spend much of my workday in the car. As such, I’ve become a connoisseur of billboards.

Back in 2014, the first TexPress lanes were opening, and I became a pioneer in fighting gender stereotypes [Also, “Get divorced from traffic congestion” is solid. I don’t understand why North Tarrant Express never ran with it].

A couple years later, while covering flooding in Louisiana, I noticed a billboard for someone who’s such a big deal, he doesn’t even have to explain what service he provides.

Which brings us to my concerns now.

First, as soon as Halloween was over, I noticed Christmas-themed billboards showing up.

Dearest Sprite,

I understand your push for a holiday-themed flavor, but is eggnog really the drink you want to compare yourself to? “We’re going to replace the drink everyone tries exactly once a year and then either gets sick of it or loads it with bourbon!” [More on bourbon later]

Sprite isn’t alone, though. I may not have seen this in billboard form, but Mountain Dew is also making a play for holiday soda consumers:

Who says Christmas has become too commercial!?

Surely kids passing this display tug at their parents’ sleeves, asking, “Mommy, why does that gingerbread man look so angry? If I drink that Mountain Dew and the gingerbread militia puts me on the naughty list, does that mean Santa won’t come to our house?!”

But back to the bourbon:

This feels like a lot of adjectives. If the bourbon was that solid, couldn’t the billboard have been simpler?

I’ve attended a whiskey tasting or two in my day. I often feel out of place because “I liked it” or “I didn’t like it” feels simplistic at a table with others talking about various “noses” and fruits that might have been muddled or even honey-poached.

Back in Ohio, Yuengling has been popular for years. It’s brewed next door in Pennsylvania. And back home, we don’t need all these words to distract you from whether the product actually tastes good. Yuengling arrived in Texas this year, and this billboard across the highway from the bourbon is matter-of-fact: The beer is here. Bring beer.

It’s also been years since the cows started hijacking billboards to nudge people toward Chik-fil-A. They’ve come so far. They’re even bilingual!

They can also follow human holidays and fashion trends, but they’re still dealing with spelling issues. If they’ve figured out humans consider it gauche to wear white after Labor Day, surely they could have stumbled on a spell-check program when they’re drafting their billboards. If the Chik-fil-A cows need some cognitive help, I’ve got a guy.