As the only millennial who still has cable, I found myself at the house after work this afternoon, flipping back and forth between two timely epics programs: M*A*S*H and Big.

Continuing a series of reviews of Tom Hanks movies that are several decades old, I started watching Big.

This film would look much different today.

When Josh woke up a grown man and left home, there would have been a much more substantial police response. The media would have been parked outside his house and shovin’ microphones into the face of the neighbors to learn he was just a normal kid.

“We used to see him playing in the street. It makes you wonder if any place is truly safe anymore,” a woman would say, frowning, while her husband stood behind her with his hand on her shoulder.

Then we’d explain that this wasn’t, technically, an Amber Alert.

“This does not fit the criteria for an Amber Alert,” the reporter would explain with a concerned look on his face.

A few years ago, I interviewed the woman who helped lead the creation of the Amber Alert system. At the time, Amber Alerts had been credited for 794 rescues across the country.

We’ve had more rescues since then, but she suggested it may be time to revisit the criteria for Amber Alerts. You may recall the case in Fort Worth where an Amber Alert wasn’t issued when a girl was kidnapped.

All the reporters started showin’ up, shovin’ microphones in the neighbors’ faces.

A lot of people were asking why no Amber Alert was issued. In the end, the people of Fort Worth issued our own doggone alert, and we found her ourselves. The mayor even showed up to put us all at ease because broken fax machines prevented radio stations, the communication tool of the future, from getting the word out.

Why didn’t the mayor of Cliffside Park, New Jersey show up outside the Baskins’ house when Tom Hanks disappeared?! Why weren’t police parked constantly outside their house?! They should have been stakin’ out the family. The parents or family associates may have been persons of interest.

Surely, the scene where Mama Baskin is leaning out the window to talk to Billy next door would have sparked a response from the police parked outside.

The actor who played Josh, who is now older than me [and now that I see that written out, I realize he was also older than me at the time of filming], wondered if the film could be made today.

Even outside religious fanatics holding protests because a relationship between an adult woman and young boy is implied, media would be staking out the Baskins’ house. TV trucks would be parked outside. Depending how much time had passed with Tom Hanks living in New York, they might not still be there when he shows up with the big suit. But I bet someone would have Facebook Lived him getting out of the car of a much older woman.

I also have some questions about the MacMillan Toy Company’s human resources department, whether they properly reviewed Tom Hanks’ background before he was hired.

And today, Tom Hanks could JFGI to find where Zoltar was taken after that first carnival. That could have saved Susan from getting involved in a relationship that’s borderline inappropriate for a PG rating.

Maybe Big wouldn’t work today in the same formula, but Hollywood could write a sequel where Susan has to answer to charges for dating a 13 year old boy.

Or, and hear me out, OR we could update Child’s Play. Surely, that’d be eligible for an Amber Alert. Nuts… it’s already been done.

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