I may never have mentioned this before, and certainly not as recently as last week, but I was in a minor car crash five years ago. The Baylor Institute for Rehabilitation called a few months back asking if I’d be in a study about recovery from traumatic brain injury.

“Sure, my recovery was epic,” I explained. “But I didn’t realize it was, like, ‘Please give us permission to discuss it with the CDC and/or National Institutes of Health’ epic.”

[Note from the leaders of the study: We never said anything about him being epic.]

I did have to sign a release to let them share my case with outside organizations. It’s not as though Anthony Fauci has anythin’ else goin’ on right now, and I figured my participation could help me give back to the medical community after taking so, so much.

I bring all this up because this week’s topic is sleep.

A couple years back, I blogged about how I should work fewer hours. Listen, beloved Scaiaholics, you have failed to hold me to account.

Because my job involves waking up in the dead of night to report the news during the all-important drive-time period, I often find myself taking a long-ish nap in the afternoon.

We screened a Ted Talk about how important sleep is to cognition. The hippocampus, apparently a type of campus in the brain, can essentially shut down your ability to process information if you don’t get enough sleep.

Also, we’re all catching COVID-19 because we’re not sleeping enough. The sleep scientist [or “sleeptologist,” if you will] explained that if you only get four hours of sleep, that can lead to a 70% drop in immune cell activity. Last year, the World Health Organization even classified work on the night shift a probable carcinogen.

Since coronavirus and the stay-at-home orders started, we’ve started sleeping 20% more. Apparently, Fauci’s going door-to-door to check on everyone.

We all have more time, now. More time to sleep, to spend with family, to improve our cognition by reading about a new bird flu and reflecting upon it.

The sleeptologist also mentioned that if you don’t get enough sleep the week before you get your flu shot, you produce less than half the normal antibodies, so when a COVID-19 vaccine is available, it won’t be as effective if you’re not well rested.

Ample sleep also leads to a three-fold increase in creativity. Not getting enough sleep is clearly the sole reason I’m writing a blog and not zeroing in on the secret to time travel.

Obviously, the message here is to storm into your boss’ office and yell, “The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night of sleep!” Slam your fist on his or her desk. Then report back to me on how it went so I know if it’s a good idea.

Meantime, to do my part to flatten the curve [in addition to being immune to car crashes, I’m also immune to the flu], I’ll start sleeping until noon. I think what the researchers involved in this study are saying is I should quit my job and skulk around in the dead of night leading underground craps games. I’ve already shown how therapeutic craps can be for people recovering from traumatic brain injury.

[Note from the leaders of the study: No, none of us suggested any of that.]

In conclusion, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.