April 3, 2020

Dearest LuLuBell,

Lo, as the third week of working remotely draws to a close, I wonder why we, as a society, stopped using “lo” as an interjection.

Some thoughts: frankly, I think I would look quite stylish in a cloth mask. My concern is if we all start wearing bandannas again, there will be a marked increase in train robberies. In addition to looking stylish, see how menacing I am!

Also, without having to fight traffic during my commute, I had ample time today to find my bandanna. I’m not sure where the bandanna came from, so it might seem strange that I vividly remembered I had a bandanna somewhere.

The other day, I was scheduled to attend Texas Rangers’ opening day at the new ballpark. Without the season starting, some of the Rangers got together recently to mark the 10th [10th!] anniversary of the team’s first pennant.

I’ve escaped the house a few times this week. I’ve covered a couple news stories: one was outside; the other was in an area where seats were measured six feet apart from each other.

I also went to the grocery store, where I felt strangely accomplished for finding an actual loaf of white bread. I only bought one loaf, mind you, but I can now boast that I am the owner of an actual loaf of bread. not some gluten free, vegan oil, vampire blood multi-grain concoction, but an actual loaf of white bread.

I was so excited, I celebrated by buying some frozen pancakes for some reason.

But all this time in the car did give me some time to rock out to some tunes. I’m realizing now that some of our most respected country and western artists have been preparing us for this.

Consider the work of Warren Zevon.

“Scaia, you menacingly handsome devil!” you’re shouting at the computer. “Warren Zevon isn’t a country and western artist!”

True, but I discovered Hank Williams Junior’s cover of “Lawyers, Guns and Money” when I discovered classic county [the country and western world] and his version sounds more authoritative for this situation.

If Hank Williams Junior is too western for you, consider the work of George Strait. He’s right, gang, it is a half-full, not a half-empty glass. There is no way of knowin’ what tomorrow brings, so why panic about toilet paper?!

Maybe the half-full is instead of getting hung up on work, the commute and the other bureaucratic stuff, this whole to-do [or rigmarole, if you will] has us spending more time with family and friends. We’re relearning what’s truly important.

But if you do find some toilet paper, perhaps that would make you so happy you can’t stop crying, just like Sting feat. Toby Keith.

I look forward to George Strait, Toby Keith, Sting, Hank Williams Jr. and maybe some Alan Jackson coming together for a benefit to put us all at ease.

If only Jerry Reed were still with us. He’d soothe all of us with some solid finger-pickin’ guitar. I recommend Kroger start playing, “Alabama Wild Man” in the toilet paper aisle.

And CW McCall would remind us that a truckload of supplies is on the way. Maybe they just hit those smokeys as thick as bugs on a bumper when they put the hammer down.

And, in fact, Medium makes a fair point: maybe we’re not buying toilet paper because we’re afraid of what tomorrow brings. We’re buying toilet paper because we’re spending more time at home, so we’re using more of that good toilet paper you keep at the house and less of the quarter-of-a-ply stuff they give you at work.

And the Dayton Philharmonic is getting involved, too, LuLuBell. So let’s rock out this weekend, even if we have to do so in self-quarantine.