Today, we, as a nation, are agog [agog!] with online sales being presented to us.

At KRLD, we record teases that play just before the top of the hour to give people an idea of the top stories they’ll hear after the network newscast. Here’s an example from the other day:

Today, that might have been, “I’m Alan Scaia in Dallas where everyone better pay atten–that IS a good deal on suits!”

Loyal Scaiaholics will recall my trip to Nashville for an associate’s bachelor party over Labor Day. This weekend was the bachelor’s wedding.

I was asked to be an usher, to work the door at St. Patrick Cathedral to keep out ruffians.

The other usher and I weren’t required to attend the rehearsal. We were just asked to show up a bit early, so the church lady could give us instructions. There was no bride’s side or groom’s side, so just gently encourage everyone to fill in evenly. Also, hand them a program.

This led to a question:

“Say, am I doing one of the readings?” I inquired when I took a look inside [a reporter asks].

This was the first I had seen that I was expected to play a role in this wedding situation. 

I can link to all the SNL skits in the world, but she was incredibly helpful. She gave me a crash course on my role, where to sit and which side of the altar to approach from.

She also let me take a screen shot of the reading when we were standing at the lectern, so I could familiarize myself with the text while I was working the door.

“I’m Catholic,” I really did say to her while we were standing at the altar. “But how would you pronounce ‘Sirach?’ Is it ‘sih-RAHCH, like ‘sriracha?'”

She explained it was “SEE-rock.” So I got up there and belted it out.

Pictured, you’ll see me quite terrified that I’d stutter and take attention away from the couple or that God might smite me for walking up to His altar and asking about sriracha.

The reading went fine, and I approached from the correct side… which, obviously, brings us to Cyber Monday.

One of my ladies said she was glad to see me not wearing the suit with the hole in the jacket. At a separate wedding, I was wearing my olive suit. Apparently, when you buy suits once per decade, they can get worn.

The olive suit had developed a small hole along the edge of the jacket.

We discussed this at the reception. I explained that I had these suits for years. I only buy suits when I get an email about a buy-one-get-two-free sale [I’m not an old man, but in my 20s, I’d be livin’ it up on the dance floor. Now, I talk about sales on suits.].

I confided in her that Big Charcoal had also developed some small holes in one arm. Now, I’m confiding in you, the internet:

Joseph A. Bank himself must have been eavesdropping. This morning, I got an email about a sale on suits for Cyber Monday.

“That IS affordable,” I said to myself while I should probably have been researching another story. Another story on how much less productive we are when we’re working on Cyber Monday. But now I’ve got some new suits comin’ my way just in time for the holidays.

An aside: A joke about singing, “Joy to the world, my suits have come” would be inappropriate, especially since I’ve already drawn the Lord’s attention for talking about sriracha at the altar of the cathedral in the Diocese of Fort Worth. So I’m not going to make that joke. I’m just going to explain, hypothetically, the joke I would have made.

While I’m finishing this, the groom, several other friends and I are texting about getting together again when we’re all in town for Christmas. I’ll actually be leaving for Ohio around the time some of the others arrive, though, so I’ve suggested he take the new wife to Cincinnati for their honeymoon. I’d like to apologize to the new missus, though, in case he really does pitch a trip to the U.S. Air Force Museum. It’s a great museum, it may just lack the magic you’d be looking for in a honeymoon destination. May lack the magic.