In an unprecedented sequence of events (hashtag: breaking … hashtag: in case you missed it), Texas has become hot.

I’ve now lived in Texas for ten years, so I’m happy to share some strategies for everyone struggling with this heat wave:

Problem: At the Ol’ Scaia Place, the air conditioner has started struggling to stay below 78 degrees in the afternoon, when the sun starts shining through the front windows.

Cause: You vaguely remember the HVAC guy telling you you were leaking Freon when you had your AC “tune up” in the spring. You more vividly remember making a hilarious joke about how your HVAC would have to schedule an appointment with a urologist.

Solution: Frown at the thermostat while you try to remember the last time you replaced the filter in the attic. Start weeping softly in the corner. Also, shake your fist at the sky.

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Problem: You saw a roach scurry by the back door in your laundry room.

Cause: Apparently, critters want to get out of the heat, too.

Solution: Set out traps. Start weeping softly in the corner. Also, shake your fist at the sky [optional].

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The other day, I was dispatched to a construction site near the station to talk to workers about how they deal with the heat. This led to a discussion, naturally, about how people like Fort Worth better than Dallas.

The foreman explained they can’t start work earlier to avoid the heat because the neighbors will complain, and Dallas will fine him if he starts making noise before 7 am. At the same time, they can’t stay late into the afternoon because the deck of the building they’re working on gets up to 160 degrees. He had one of those thermometers where you point a laser at a thing, and the laser, using witchcraft, tells you how hot it is.

Another worker who said he preferred not to be identified weighed in: “The one thing Dallas doesn’t have is Texans,” continuing that when they have a job in Fort Worth or Arlington, the neighbors don’t get so upset about noise.

“That’s the sound of progress,” he continued, speaking in italics. “These New Yorkers want to live next to a freeway [the building is along Highway 75], but a hammer wakes them up.”

He then said Fort Worth just solves problems, like when the Bass family robbed the first train in Texas history. Never mind that Sam Bass wasn’t technically related to the Bass family whose name is all over Fort Worth. He makes a good point.

The foreman explained, in a much less hilarious fashion, that concrete won’t set when the temperature is too hot, so they have to stop around noon. They set up a room at the site with a cooler and a fan that blows mist, so the temperature stays about 85 degrees in case any workers get heat exhaustion or, I assume, need a place to weep softly.