Tonight, I’m watching the Scripps National Spelling Bee finals. I’m not watching the NBA Finals, but I’m not a poindexter.

The finals of this year’s spelling bee include quite a few li’l ragamuffins from Texas. Three of the last four li’l rascals are from Texas, and the last two li’l rapscallions ares from Collin County, just north of Dallas.

As you can see, I’m like a living thesaurus, but as it turns out [whatever, though, I’m not a big deal], I also have a rich history in spelling bees. Back in eighth grade, I won my school’s spelling bee and was one of the finalists of the city spelling bee back home in Ohio.

There were only two of us left. I was one step away from the championship and a trip to Washington DC. Also, I recall that I was already looking forward to an appearance on Letterman.

Then I got “fanaticism.”

Naturally, I started spelling with a “ph.”

“The Phillie Phanatic would never lead me astray!” I thought to myself.

I got dinged.

“Thanks a lot, John Kruk,” I muttered as I sat down. The Phillie Phanatic and I haven’t spoken since.

I’m just glad they don’t have a close-up BellCam until you’re on ESPN. I would have been devastated.

Maybe I wasn’t cut out for Big Spelling, though. After each li’l ruffian got dinged, the li’l waif would STILL say, “Thank you.”

“Come on!” I would have exclaimed. “John Kruk isn’t even here!”

As the spelling bee progressed, I became quite enamored of the “Use it in a sentence” examples. I may send them a resume.

Each of the sentences had a joke built in.

I’m going to write a few “Use it in a Sentence” pitches as the spelling bee progresses:

Whyos: Members of a gang of holdup men
Example: A group of whyos from Texas was firin’ guns into the air, whyoppin’ it up.

Ecchymosis: A discoloration of the skin, typically caused by bruising
Example: “Ew, what is this?’ the man who got too drunk to drive home from a bar and had to call Uber, then tripped walking up the steps of his apartment building and bruised his knee said to himself. “Ecchymosis or something?!”

Gelinotte: European woodland grouse
Example: Those French know how to fry up a gelinotte real nice, with, like, some succiniferous Merlot. Never mind that “succineferous” means, “yielding amber.” That was another word on the list.

Ankyloglossia: Limited movement of the tongue
Example: This broad I went out with had this weird ankyloglossia thing going on when I tried to kiss her. What was the deal with her frenulum?!

I’ll be awaiting your call, Scripps Howard.

Toward the end, the gal from Frisco was eliminated by the word, Bewusstseinslage. I’m sure as she saw the television feed cut to BellCam [I’m just throwing this out there, ESPN, but BellCam could probably be sponsored by FedEx or UPS], she went into a state of Bewusstseinslage.

She should consider a protest, though. Take it all the way to Scripps Howard himself. In addition to my skill as a living thesaurus, I also minored in German in college for some reason. It’s actually, “Bewusstseinslage” but instead of two S’s before the “T,” you have the German “ß.”  She was set up to fail!

Also, it seems unfair to make her spell French words with that weird thing under the “c.”

After Frisco was dinged, McKinney took the stage and the proctor explained, “If you spell this word correctly, we will declare you the 2018 Scripps National Spelling Bee Champion.” But no pressure.

Thinking back, now, I vaguely recall performing well in a geography bee back in junior high. I am not a poindexter.