My first boss from my days back in Oregon texted me the other day. He was asking, quite understandably, if I was eating at a Rocco’s Pizza location in Pasco, Washington.

He explained they couldn’t take a picture without causing a scene, but he said he found my doppelganger. I replied if this was my doppelganger in both looks and personality, Bizzaro Scaia would have absolutely supported making a scene. How could we be sure it was just someone who looked like me, and not George Clooney dining at a pizza joint?! In Pasco, Washington.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, loyal Scaiaholics: How could anyone mistake you for George Clooney?! You look much more youthful than George Clooney!

But all this talk about George Clooney and me hanging out at a pizza joint in the Tri-Cities got me to thinking:

We’ve turned away from my plan to turn this into a blog about million dollar business ideas. We talked about the other Oregon-based plan for the Beer Frontier, but I also planned to offer my services as a jingle writer.

One of my duties at KOHU was to write promos for the highly rated “Odds and Ends” program. Never mind that Hermiston is a small enough town that it isn’t rated. It doesn’t matter.

Even then, I had my finger on the pulse of this great nation. As you’ll hear in a moment, I was talking about John Bolton [with a cow] long before he became National Security Adviser.

This project started when I convinced an orchestra, the Inland Northwest Musicians, to show up and sing my name to the Hallelujah Chorus.

This led to me getting out my old laptop to sift through promos.

The Alan Scaia Chorus will go down as a classic. No one’s arguing that. But let us discuss the legend of the Alan Scaia Chorus [hashtag: Alan Scaia Chorus]. This is a real thing that happened. I convinced the leader of the orchestra to have some of his singers come in and record themselves singing my name.

I am not egotistical.

One of them, as you can hear, was quite willing to step back from the microphone and yell out, “You promised us compensation!” in the background as part of the bit. But then, I wanted them to sing, “Well, screw you, too!”

The leader of an actual professional orchestra had to spend part of his day explaining why his chorus would not sing, “Well, screw you, too!”

​We compromised with, “No, not a chance.” He couldn’t have been more helpful in developing a line that would fit the rhythm of the actual song.

That fight scene was taken from some CD of royalty-free recordings and would appear in several other promos. As would Kimm, the saleswoman who recorded the first one. I also think she was quite patient and recorded several versions of the “Aww” at the end until we got it just right.

I’m Alan Scaia: This promo involved me taking the time, before you recorded things on iPhone machines, to bring my microphone and mini-disc recorder through the drive-thru of a fast food joint. In addition to Kimm, Cody, our sales manager at the time, can be heard at the end.

Cody now owns the station, so I believe this counts as an origin story.

Odds n Ends at the Fair: During the Umatilla County Fair, I hosted the show at the fairgrounds every day. I believe Trace Adkins sang at the fair, explaining why I used one of his songs in the background. This must have occurred during John Bolton’s confirmation as US ambassador to the United Nations, which would explain why a cow was so upset at Bolton.

That’s Cody’s wife, Angela, explaining when you can hear Odds n Ends.

Scaia vs. Greenspan: I had an associate record this one. Kimm returns, and this focuses on my affinity for talking about how Oregon is different from my home state of Ohio.

Scaia vs. Umatilla Chemical Depot: Returning to the theme of having people record promos when they have more important work to do, I convinced the public information officer of the largest stockpile of chemical weapons in the United States to say the base is not controlling the weather, it’s just genetically engineering salmon. It makes sense if you listen to it.

The stockpile has since been successfully destroyed, so I think this also counts as an origin story.

In addition to these promos for an actual program that dealt with news and serious interviews with people like governors and Congressmen, I also recorded promos for the high school football games.

I had little else to do with the sports broadcasts even though I was, technically, sports director. One of our salesmen, Joe McHaney, hosted the pregame show and someone I do not recall did play-by-play.

Joe Mac and I thoroughly enjoyed writing these promos, though.

Joe vs. Joe: Joe Mac hosted the show with a local businessman named Joe Thompson. Joe Mac once asked why we always gave the other Joe top billing even though he didn’t even work at the station, leading to this promo that includes the fight scene.

The fight scene appears much more frequently in the sports promos, such as…

Hermiston vs. The Dalles-Wahtonka: I forget the specifics, but we didn’t get along with the radio station in The Dalles. When I learned The Dalles had merged with another high school and, instead of taking the time to come up with a new mascot, just shoved the two nicknames together for “Eagle-Indians,” I felt that would lead to a good opportunity for a fight scene.

Hermiston Playoffs: If you’re not familiar with Oregon politics, and I don’t understand why that might be the case, the western part of the state is very much like the Oregon you’re thinking of. East of the Cascades, though, is a very conservative area with small towns. Hermiston did beat the Eagle-Indians and played a high school in Eugene in the playoffs. The line about owls smelling bad went over great with the home-town crowd.

The Battle of Umatilla County: Each year, Hermiston would play the cross-county rival Pendleton Buckaroos. Our first promo generated angry calls from listeners in Pendleton [but calls of support from the home-town crowd].

So Joe Mac, Jeff and I recorded a second promo. That led to more angry calls.

Even though Cody and his wife own the station now, back in the day, the owner of KOHU was, technically, a Pendleton City Councilman, so in the spirit of the Inland Northwest Musicians, I compromised. This was the final version.

I don’t understand why my last station labeled me difficult to work with. Ironically, KOHU has welcomed me back to visit on several occasions.

​I’m glad I now have a compendium of old promos. It’s my first compendium. I’m also available to write jingles… as long as you have a royalty-free fight scene on CD.