This week, Jerry Jones demanded a meeting with the other NFL owners to talk about how much they’re paying the commissioner. This meeting would take place in Irving, during the league’s annual meeting when the owners get together in a secret room behind a fake wall at the Irving Convention Center, recite lines by the work of Sophocles and hit each other with paddles.
Say what you want about Jerry Jones, he knows how to draw attention to his causes.
I was at the demolition of Texas Stadium a few years back. It was a delightful event, sponsored by Kraft for some reason, so I got some free macaroni and cheese out of it.
A few weeks ago, I announced a plan to blog more about hilarious business ideas [A loyal Scaiaholic recently reminded me I had started plotting my next move even before everything went gunny sack at the last place]. Then another station had to go and offer me a job I hadn’t applied for, so we’ve gotten off track. I swear, my plan to launch a breadfruit farm is coming. But first, I’ll submit my application for NFL commissioner.
I understand Jones’ concerns. The proposed deal would pay Roger Goodell upwards of $50 million a year. I’m sure if the other owners show them some pictures of a dog protecting an owl, they’ll start feeling ways about things and patch things up. But listen, NFL, I’ll do the job for half that.
Let me outline some changes I think would make the game safer and salvage the league’s struggling ratings:
— Defensive linemen will now ride onto the field on a bull as an homage to Alex Karras.
— To reduce the threat of injuries, when a team from Ohio appears on the schedule, the game will simply be declared a 35-7 win for the team not from Ohio. Am I right, fellow Ohio natives!?
— Remember when you were in college, and the XFL was a thing? We’ll bring back the scramble for first possession, but at one game each week, a tiger will be let loose on the field as the players approach the ball.
— The winner of the scramble will get a robe with his name written in sequins on the back.
— Instead of a coin toss at the beginning of overtime, players from both teams will participate in some sort of hilarious Press Your Luck situation, where a Whammy means you kick. If you hit something “plus a spin,” you’d win by scoring a touchdown or field goal on your opening drive without the opposition getting a chance to answer.
Looking back now, I see the sponsorship deal at Texas Stadium was a move by Kraft to drum up business for its “Cheddar Explosion.” But listen, it should have been Cheddar M-Plosion! An explosion would have been disastrous! Come on, Irving City Council, you’re better than this. You were living down to the expectations of dudes who show up at your meetings and start with heart-warming memorials to their wives and then explain why they hate Irving.
This week, I’m having some work done at the house, and, as you can see, I’m no rube when it comes to showmanship, either. I’ll see if Mrs. Renfro wants to set up a sponsorship of my drive-way installation and invite the neighbors over for a peach salsa-splosion.
