NASA has announced a job opening for a planetary protection officer. The job involves making sure organic or biological material cannot contaminate [or, I assume, hijack] a spaceship for the trip back to Earth.

The pay is good. I may miss some qualifications [I, for example, am afraid of heights], but I feel like NASA would like the cut of my jib. While I may not be an engineer or one of those Star Trek fanatics, I do know phasers have several settings.

While I may lack some experience in interstellar negotiations, I suspect I do have more experience than some of the other applicants. NASA is really showing its hand there.

Among the qualifications listed is “advanced knowledge of planetary protection.” Again, those phasers have settings for “stun” and “kill.” I suspect there are others, but this gig only has a secret security clearance, so I can’t imagine I’d be entrusted with that information.

The successful candidate will have demonstrated skills in diplomacy and coalition building. Over the past 20 years, I’ve convinced several women to date me. Check!

Another qualification is experience “planning, executing or overseeing elements of space programs of national significance.” This may not be *nationally* significant, but once in college, I did help an associate execute a plan to shoot a bottle rocket out of his ear.

My resume is below. I’ll be awaiting your call, NASA:

Alan Scaia
Current Address: Earth [willing to relocate]

Education
Aware that it was Earth all along

Work History
Radio news reporter [2004-present]
— Heard on 500 affiliates, the Moon and at least 13 planets by now

Minor League Baseball Umpire [2004]
— Ability to officiate intergalactic disagreements, like that time a Dominican catcher who didn’t speak English couldn’t understand why I awarded a guy first base for catchers interference

Special Skills and Accomplishments
— Able to look thoughtfully into the distance