Today, I’m defending my championship in the broadcast division of the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest in Ft. Worth. Loyal Scaiaholics will recall that I’ve represented WBAP and KLIF in the celebrity heat each of the past two years.

The public relations guy for Curly’s Frozen Custard started texting and emailing me a couple of weeks ago, asking if I’d been training. The other day, he even explained that he had “called and talked a little bit of smack” on my behalf to Star-Telegram reporter Denise Harris.

Denise herself started tweeting at me yesterday, starting a war of words that should be a show (I’m still waiting on Les Moonves to show up with that dollar sign bag). Listen, Curly’s Frozen Custard competitors, that string of tweets included a reference to Burgess Meredith. Let’s get Burgess Meredith trending.

Leading up to the celebrity heat, I also tried to get #wreckingmachine trending. I probably should have notified people about that before it was over. But I’m sure Burgess Meredith didn’t have time to waste learning the intricacy of social media, either.

This was my plan, and my problem solving ability is why I’m in Mensa: I would not just fill my mouth with as much hot dog and bun as possible. I would take little (or, and here’s the industry term, li’l) bites and drink some water. Another li’l bit and some water.

The owner, Bourke Harvey, has said the only reason Nathan gave him his blessing for a contest outside Coney Island was to change the rules. He does not allow dipping. You can drink water, but you cannot dip.

So I drank.

​It worked… for a while. Then at the end, I saw Denise shoving the rest of her hot dog down her gullet, so I did the same thing. And, lo, dozens of fans were treated to us chewing. At one point, we started yelling at each other with mouths full of hot dog and I spit out bits of hot dog bun into her hair, like a gentleman.

She finished first, though. I can just imagine Burgess Meredith now, telling me, the worst thing happened to me: I got civilized.

But I accepted another trophy and people walking up and saying they love listening to me on the radio. Other associates offered their support, such as our afternoon anchor, Eric Bushman:

What do you say to something like this? About seven years ago, this city really took me inside. And I want to thank you very much for that. And I’ve been thinking that I wasn’t going to bring this up, but I might as well now. I would never do anything to this sport that has been so really good to me.

It’s really hard to say this. I feel like, well, I’m thinking maybe it’s time that I should step down, maybe, and retire.

FYI: Those last two paragraphs are from Rocky III, but then he came back to beat Clubber Lang! So let’s just say I’m retired. You know, for now.

Update! I’m told I beat my time from last year by four seconds. Thanks to Curly’s for keeping track of that. Watch out, Clubber.