Now that President Trump has been inaugurated, media outlets across the country are setting up “Secure drop services” for people with news tips who might feel intimidated

While alanscaia.com may not have 170 years of experience (It just feels like I’ve been bombarding you with blogs that long, right Scaiaholics?!), its founder has won several Edward R. Murrow Awards for excellence in journalism and was a Steak n Shake Master of the Grill. Just click “Home.” You can’t make that stuff up. The FCC would have a field day.

But if you’re not feeling safe clicking “Home,” I’d like to offer some alternatives.

You see, a co-worker recently tipped me off to a hard-hitting story about a McDonald’s in Dallas being picked to give away Big Mac “Special Sauce.”

The public relations staff, in an effort to build secret contacts free from government interference, included reporters in the Special Sauce Situation.

I asked the McDonald’s guy if it was okay to give away bottles of Special Sauce. Even though they’re each individually numbered to ensure authenticity (Send me an email for an invitation to my Special Sauce ExtravaBonanza), they need to be labeled in the official, FDA-approved manner.

I asked the manager if he’s concerned that the streets will just fill with knock-off Special Sauce. Special Sauce will just cascade through the streets. Special Sauce cartels will have McNugget-eating contests to battle for Sauce-Routes.

He explained that even though the ingredients are printed on the back in most used to least, they don’t have proportions.

And, yea, the McDonald’s franchise owner had Secure-Dropped the Special Sauce information to me.

Then, I covered a story about a small plane that crashed on its approach to the airport in Denton.

He didn’t want me to interview him because he said he was embarrassed that a farmer had to come haul his plane out of a field, but he did Secure-Drop to me the story of how he lost power, realized he wouldn’t make it all the way to the runway and managed to aim his plane so he’d land underneath some power lines like a pilot for Sandpiper Air.

And I just Secure-dropped to you a reference to a sitcom that went off the air 20 years ago.

In conclusion, if you have a major story, but you’re afraid to tip off the media, alanscaia.com will set up its own Secure Drop service so that if I sneak out to go to dinner without my press corps, someone will show up later to tell the Scaiaholics about what happened.

Here are the instructions for Scai-cure Drop Service:

1.) Show up at my house holding a bag with a dollar sign printed on it. Inside the bag should be gold doubloons.

2.) When I answer the door, conspicuously look both ways to make sure the coast is clear and hand me the bag.

3.) Whisper the secret audibly, like you’re on stage but still want the audience to hear. Really sell it by holding your hand up to cover your mouth.

4.) Immediately run off, yelling, “I told him! He knows!” and waving your arms in the air. Tweet, “He knows!” at Donald Trump.