The Texas legislature started its biennial session this week.

I’ve interviewed just about everyone in Texas about the “bathroom bill” (If you haven’t heard from me yet, expect a call sometime this week), and the budget is taking a hit because the price of oil is down.

Those are issues that are stealing the show, but what about some of the lesser known bills? I’ve compiled a sampling of the bills that may not get as much attention but could still affect your every day life.

What follows, by the way, really is fake news. Click that link a few paragraphs up if you want to see me do real news. While you do that, I’ll figure out a way to embed that clip on my homepage.

Speaking of interviewing everyone about the bathroom bill, let’s start with:

Senate Bill 1408

Press Conferences outside the Capitol are prohibited if it’s freaking cold outside.

SECTION 1. “Freaking cold” is defined as below 40 degrees
a. Or below 50 if it’s windy
b. Or I forgot my coat

SECTION 2. There’s an Italian joint a few blocks from the Capitol. Let’s just meet there.

House Bill 1799

What, exactly does biennial mean? Does that mean twice yearly or every other year?

SECTION 1. And what’s the deal with biannual? How can that mean something different? Who comes up with this stuff?!
a. Probably the British.

Senate Bill 2722

Texas totally made the right decision in 2003 by declaring strudel the official state pastry.

SECTION 1. Rhode Island naming “Coffee Milk” its official state drink is ridiculous
a. What in tarnation is “coffee milk?!”

Senate Bill 3847

Texas shall become the nation’s leading producer of eggnog. The governor has been very vocal about diversifying the state’s economy. Speaking of the low price of oil hurting the budget (which was mentioned in a well-respected blog read by the Texas legislature’s Joint Eggnog Committee), this would make us less dependent on the price of oil, and in delicious fashion. Especially around the holidays.

House Bill 110

Making it a crime to commit a crime of violence against the person or property of another without having first notified the victim of his intent to commit the crime

Section 1. This bill telling people they have to notify victims ahead of time is an actual piece of legislation that was filed in 1973.
a. How did this not pass?! Is Texas soft on crime!?

House Bill 5498

Texas’ population is growing the fastest in the country. Whenever someone with a California plate crosses the state line, the theme from “Three’s Company” shall start playing.

SECTION 1. Ascots will be issued at the state line for anyone moving from California
SECTION 2. It’s possible I thought of this while discussing Don Knotts the other day
a. Is it weird that I was discussing Don Knotts?
b. And ascots?