This weekend, West celebrates, as I’m sure that sign will tell you, Westfest.

I drove down to do a heartwarming story about how the city has recovered, with a new school opening and the federal investigation into the explosion wrapping up. Instead, I found myself driving home filled with a competitive drive reminiscent of my championship in the broadcast division of the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest at Curly’s Ft. Worth.

Well played, West, well played.

First, a spokesman and volunteer kolache baker would explain how the baking contest had become a popular event.

This discussion took place around a table in a break room in the Westfest main office where, and this is actually true, the staff had actually brought in outside boxes of kolache from in town to keep volunteers fed while they set up the grounds and, you know, baked in-house kolache.

At one point, one of the organizers asked if I wanted something to eat.

“We’ve got plenty of kolache,” he said, before explaining the location of the keg, I assume it was the staff keg to get everyone ready for the public keg.

But everyone’s baking kolache in West this weekend. The event includes a baking contest, where one of the staff cooks explained that one of the more outlandish entries in memory was a beef stew kolache, which really does seem like a logistical issue. This would be the first time in my career that I asked if there were concerns about leaking broth.

…concerns about leaking broth.

Last year, they also introduced a kolache eating contest. I was told some of the participants dunked the kolache in water to help it down faster. I get the idea of doing that with a hot dog, but trying to cram a delicious kolache down your throat as fast possible seems like it defeats the purpose,

At the same time, I also would like to offer my services to Westfest in the Celebrity Division..

The baker also talked about how she felt weird the first time she baked kolache with chocolate chips. My family skews Italian, but part of the family tree reaches into Eastern Europe, so listening to this cook complain about how it took some to get used to the idea of chocolate chips instead of poppy seeds felt like I was talking to my mom.

My mom would have rolled her eyes while talking about chocolate chip kolache, though. She’s right to do it.

When I first moved here, I also thought it was strange that kolache was sold in individual servings, like a muffin, instead of in log-form. The cook said she grew up baking kolache logs, saying the logs had certain advantages which I didn’t understand because the most detailed cooking I do is preheating the oven for frozen pizza. I think there was something about rising dough in there.

My main takeaway from the kolache log discussion centered on her explanation that they’re called “buthes.”

Man, I can’t wait to whip that bad boy out this holiday season.

“Mom!” I’ll yell. “The poppy seed buthe is touching the chocolate chip buthe! The chocolate chip buthe is gonna start tasting like whatever poppy seeds taste like! We gotta stop this thing!”

I’ll then start calling the incident “Buthe-gate.” My family will collectively roll its eyes.

On the way out of town, I decided, you know, to stop for some kolache.

A co-worker had chastised me for not bringing back any kolache the last time I covered a story here, so my plan was to text him while I waited in line to find out what which flavor would appease his precious taste buds.

But it had started raining outside, and when I walked in, I was shocked to find no line.

“Is this the End of Times!?” I yelled out while a clerk waited patiently for me to take a picture. The text plan went out the window as I rushed to make a decision, so he’s getting blueberry/cheese whether he likes it or not.

It’s possible that two of those blueberry/cheese kolache were eaten on the way back to town. They were good, but I walked out in shame. All this talk of chocolate chip kolache made that the plan when I walked in. I had panicked.

Let that be a lesson, Youth of America: Don’t rush your kolache purchase. It’s the only kolache purchase you get to make… unless you decide to purchase more.