I’m back in the Metroplex from covering the floods in Baton Rouge.

This would involve a drive of several hours. Loyal Scaiaholics will understand that I like to notice signs while I’m driving… and I just realized that link was the last blog I wrote before my crash. Imagine if that whimsical blog about billboards had been the last thing I wrote. I’m lucky to be back at it and writing this hard-hitting piece about… billboards.

I stand by this decision.

Consider this billboard, which I spotted along roads often enough that I would eventually get into the habit of stopping in a parking lot to take pictures of signs I find amusing.

This guy is such a big deal, he doesn’t even need to tell you what service he provides!

I’m guessing by the matter-of-fact way he’s standing there and smiling in a reassuring manner with a suit that he’s a lawyer. This guy must be, like, the Huey P. Long of the Louisiana Law Racket. In fact, I have so much confidence in his legal skills, I’m willing to overlook the lack of a comma before “Y’all!”

Actually, Huey P.  Long is probably the Huey P. Long of the Louisiana Law Racket. That’s tough competition.

But I’ve now driven across the Huey Long Bridge several times. This guy’s got him beat, there. Think of all the unnamed bridges in Louisiana! Those are all for you, Suitly.

I would elect to google “Morris Bart” and learn quite a bit about him. Kids are big fans, apparently. Also, he had the first TV commercial for a lawyer. I imagine that commercial airing with him also smoking a cool Pall Mall as he tells you the advantages he can offer over other lawyers.

I would also pass through the town of Natchitoches, which a friendly townsfolk would explain isn’t pronounced like it’s spelled.

NATCH-uh-tish. NATCH-uh-tish. I’m guessing the guy who founded the city figured he could charge France some sort of hilarious beaver pelt-import tax by the letter.

Once again turning to google, I would learn Natchitish was founded by Louis Antoine Juchereau de St. Denis. That’s the French spelling. It’s pronounced, “Fred.”

When I got back into Texas, I found this to be a strange selling point:

Listen, I get that the Texas CFS market is hyper-competitive, but I feel like this is a strange decision for a billboard. “2nd” is even in italics! Instead of making me want to eat at Cole’s, I just googled “best chicken fried steak in Texas.” Consider this artist’s rendering of another restaurant sign boasting that it’s not the best CFS in the state, complete with italics.

I’m not sure how often the Texas Chicken Fried Steak Commission (or TxCFSC) ranks these restaurants, but according to the Tyler Morning Telegraph, Cole just buys his meat from the same place as Chili’s. Cole is also franchising the tar out of his restaurant. Will they all be allowed to boast the second best chicken fried steak?! How will the TxCFSC maintain its database?!