Five years ago, Curly’s Frozen Custard in Ft. Worth started serving Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs.

The same year, owner Bourke Harvey would introduce a hot dog eating contest with Nathan’s blessing. I can only assume Nathan himself did a site visit beforehand.

I’ve covered the event each year, but in 2015, I was asked to participate in some sort of celebrity championship.

“But wait,” I asked. “How will we find another celebrity as influential as myself without flying someone in from New York or LA?”

Bourke found Denise Harris, a reporter, I assume the hot dog beat reporter, for the Star-Telegram. Denise and I go way back, apparently to the night of my car crash. She had earned a bit of celebrity in my social circle as “the woman at the top of the sign-in sheet at ICU.”

Last year, Denise, using some sort of trickery (or chicanery. Or trickery and chicanery), bested me in the celebrity division. In her defense, and also to diminish her accomplishment, I still wasn’t in my best eating shape after the crash.

But I was, and rightfully so, declared the winner of the Broadcast Division and awarded a trophy.

This year, because we apparently both made fools of ourselves in 2015, Bourke asked us just to complete just one hot dog as quickly as possible.

That seemed simple enough, but here’s where that chicanery comes back into play:

Denise would, like, stuff giant pieces of her hot dog in her mouth at the same time. So, I looked over at one point and saw that her hot dog was gone from the plate. Meanwhile, I still had a bit of hot dog and bun. And bun.

Listen to me: those buns really slow you down. Afterward, Bourke would explain that he didn’t want to go cheap on the buns, so he has them baked at a local place in the Mid-Cities. That’s why they’re so rich and full. Listen, Bourke, that attention to detail would have been great any day other than the Fourth of July. I imagine King George III saying the exact same thing to George Washington in 1776.

Here I was thinking I’d fallen short again, so I stopped focusing on the hot dog and started focusing on putting on an excellent show, mugging for the TV cameras and interacting with the crowd. Showmanship, I feel, is what’s missing from hot dog eating contests.

At one point, though, it would be pointed out that Denise was still chewing and chewing. Immediately, I would return to the last bite of hot dog, but it was too late.

Let that be a lesson, Youth of America. Never give up on your dreams. Always keep working. It might seem difficult, but when you think you’re defeated, you may some day find that your dream was still being chewed by your competition.

I believe that’s also in Proverbs.

So, Denise beat me at another hot dog eating contest. We decided to take a picture with the Big Board.

I would grab a marker and add the addendum, “2nd, but I’m still a good person.”

Denise would also express derision that I have now been awarded trophies for finishing last *twice.* She explained that’s what wrong with my generation: everyone needs a trophy (Denise and I are in the same generation).

Denise would ultimately give a very moving speech afterward.

But listen, I’m not a bad person. It’s not like I could have written that on the marker board if it weren’t true. The FCC would throw me in the clink!