Loyal Scaiaholics are surely furious at the lack of activity on this blog. I understand. I’ve been busy at work. Even as I’m writing this, I’m sitting at Globe Life Park, saddled with the hassle of covering playoff baseball.
The Toronto Blue Jays have a commanding lead, though, and that has given me some free time to delve into investigative journalism. This particular investigation centered on the Rangers’ playoff food.
This year, the Rangers’ concession company, Delaware North, introduced several new items: the Elvis Jabberdog Brownie, Inside-Out Hotdog, One Pound Top and Go Cheetos and Sweet Spot Cotton Candy Dog.
Here’s how I envision the research and development team coming up with the ideas:
EXPERT CHEF: (Having just slammed his beer down on the table to gain attention) Hey. HEY! You know what we should do?
GASTRONOMIST: (Does a spit take with his vodka and cranberry juice) Whaa?!
EXPERT CHEF: What if we, listen to this, what if we made a brownie that’s, like, a TWO-FOOT LONG BROWNIE!
GASTRONOMIST: Whoa, man, this just got real. But what if, and I’m just throwing this out there, what if we put some cotton candy on a hot dog?!
EXPERT CHEF: Finally, someone had the guts to say it!
Exeunt
Having suggested that the R&D wing at Delaware North must have been drunk to suggest something so crazy as a cotton candy-topped hot dog, you might believe I would think myself better than that and turn my nose up at the offering.
You might be wrong:
They only sell the Cotton Candy Dog at two concession stands, neither of which is particularly close to the press box, so I’m counting that as my physical therapy for the day. That’s good, too, because I have an upcoming appointment with the doctor who’s going to fix my hip, so a round of physical therapy combined with the added strength provided, I assume, by a cotton candy covered hot dog would benefit me leading up to surgery.
So I sit down with the Cotton Candy hot dog. I discuss the situation with a fellow reporter. He had tried the hot dog earlier. I was surprised at how unoffensive it tasted (I’m sure “unoffensive” is what chefs are going for when they try out a new dish).
We discussed the taste and presentation (This is what happens in Major League Baseball press boxes when the score is out of hand). The hot dog comes topped with, like, a sweet, green mustard that is also “cotton candy-infused.”
An aside: except for a college research paper about the Richard Nixon Administration, that’s the first time I’ve used the phrase “cotton candy-infused.”
At $10, I’d say it’s one of the top five cotton candy hot dogs in all of Arlington. The one drawback is the cotton candy is kind of tough to gnaw through cleanly, so it’s tough to distribute the cotton candy evenly throughout the hot dog.
When will someone develop a cotton candy that works?! I’m looking at you, UT-Arlington College of Engineering!
And to close it out with another trip to the car crash well of hilarity: I’m sitting at a playoff game with the Toronto Blue Jays, and you’re all still sticking with this myth that it’s not the 1990s? I’m tired of your lies, blog readers!
