I’ve given this a lot of thought, and when I say, “a lot,” I mean, “It might have briefly entered my mind about a week ago.” I’ve come to this conclusion: I’d be an excellent late-night talk show host.

This week, David Letterman retired. He and I share very similar pedigrees: we’re both from the Midwest, we both graduated from Ball State University, and we’ve both worked the drive-thru at major restaurants (mine, though, was a Steak ‘n’ Shake).

An associate of mine from college recently reminded me that we that when Letterman was in the hospital, we got a book with blank pages and had people sign it. We even set up at a basketball game and had students sign it.

“I’m sure he’ll want us to come on the show when he gets back,” we reasoned.

We were not, in fact, ever invited on the Late Show.

That was a very valuable college lesson: when you work hard at something, you’re not guaranteed the outcome you desire. So never work hard at anything at all.

I feel like current Ball State students can learn from us. I’m available to speak at commencement, Ball State. I think you’ll find my fee quite affordable!

I know Stephen Colbert has been tapped to take over, but I figure it couldn’t hurt to ask if I could replace Letterman instead. That’s another Ball State thing: in one of my journalism classes, we had to go to a conference and talk to some of the speakers afterward. I had another class and got there late, so I missed one of the speakers’ names. In the paper I turned in, I wrote, “one of the speakers said…”

My professor scribbled across it in red pen and wrote, “You didn’t get his name? A reporter asks!” So I’m asking.

Ball State has several big name graduates, but I feel like I match up best with David Letterman. We have pizza mogul Papa John, but I’m not a strong cook. We also have Garfield creator Jim Davis, but I’m not a particularly skilled artist, so I’d probably be an unsuccessful, um, lasagna-loving-cat mogul.

Actually, now I’m kind of miffed that David Letterman didn’t invite us on his show. When I was in the hospital after that car crash over the winter, did he send me a book with well wishes from his staff!?

In my defense, CBS, I’d like to point out that Letterman was a wholly incompetent drive-thru clerk at that Taco Bell. I, meanwhile, was named the West-Central Ohio Region Master of the Grill for 1999. I got a special apron and everything.

Where’s Letterman’s apron!?