The Texas Democratic Party convention takes place this weekend in Dallas. The Democrats come to town confident that they’ll present a unified voice that’ll stand in opposition to a Republican party that’s deeply divided between moderates and ideologues.

The Republicans fire back, saying all is well within the party. In the Democrats’ defense, I did watch as John Cornyn received a tepid response at the GOP convention in Ft. Worth a few weeks ago. Several people around me yelled out that he “might as well be a Democrat,” despite a voting record that ranks him as one of the most conservative members of the Senate.

As an observer, a reporter who doesn’t cover politics full-time, I do believe I’ve noticed some trends in our state’s political culture.

For instance, the Democrats have been just one election cycle away from the electorate swinging in their favor since I arrived in Texas four election cycles ago. Also, in each election cycle, they’ve been sure they’ve finally found the candidate who’s going to propel the party back into prominence. They then fall just short, not unlike the 2011 Texas Rangers.

The Republicans, meanwhile, see compromise as a sure path toward insolvency (also during the GOP convention, I heard candidate after candidate say he or she would “not let Texas turn into California.” Regardless of politics, I think that’s a goal we can all agree to work toward) and any willingness to make a deal as a sign of weakness. They seem to keep regressing, not unlike the 2014 Texas Rangers.

These trends suggest we can reliably predict how the state party conventions will look 20 years from now. Let’s take a look.

At the Democratic convention, the state chair will declare that his party finally has an engaging and exciting candidate to rally around:

“When we said Bill White was the guy who offered a voice to moderate Republicans in 2010, we didn’t really mean it. We also didn’t mean it when we said the same thing about Wendy Davis in 2014. Further, I think we fell just short of meaning it with each candidate since, whose names I don’t feel it’s important to mention at this time. But seriously, this year is our year. We’re really going to do it this time. This candidate is either quite friendly or did something memorable last year but is now running a campaign that polls show most Texans find uninspiring!”

Meanwhile, the Republican Party of Texas is finalizing its platform, which includes, in part:

We support objective teaching and equal treatment of all sides of scientific theories. Unproven theories such as the earth revolving around the sun or the moon being made of a substance other than cheese should be taught as challengeable theories subject to change as new data is produced.

The Republican Party acknowledges the moon is likely made from a hard cheese, but not Parmesan [see section 3.1: Italian Behavior].

The Democratic Chair pulls out a color wheel:

“Listen, the reality is Texas is going to turn blue. The demographics support it. I know we’ve been talking about turning Texas purple for 20 years, but that’s seriously, finally starting to happen. I mean, we have to turn purple before we can turn blue. And before we can turn purple, we have to turn a sort of magenta.

And what’s the first step toward magenta? Scarlet! People keep asking me, ‘Is this the year we turn Texas scarlet?’ And I respond, ‘Maybe not this year, but this year we can turn Texas amaranth, and that’s closer to scarlet than ever before!'”

Section 3.1 of the Republican platform:

Being Italian is a learned behavior which tears at the fabric of society. We recognize the legitimacy of reparative therapy which includes, but is not limited to, counseling to help patients seek wholeness from their obsession with bocce ball.

We encourage state and federal governments to severely prosecute manufacturers of addictive substances, including cannoli and/or manicotti.

The Democratic Party Continues Struggling to Rock the Vote:

“There are so many Democrats in Texas, but we just don’t vote. We just need to start voting. Eventually, I think we’ll probably start voting. We’re really trying to figure out how to get as many Democrats as Republicans to vote. Really trying. We’re coming in on Sundays and everything.

The problem is we’re disenfranchised. It’s not our fault. You know whose fault it is? The guy who keeps disenfranchising us! They know cyan and cerulean are the only shades of bluish-red that stand between us and the governor’s mansion!”

The GOP maintains a strong position on law enforcement:

No laws or executive orders shall be imposed that restrict the ability to burn witches at the stake. The same freedom shall extend to the punishment of sorcerers, wizards, magi and warlocks.

We believe current evidence is not conclusive that ash from witch corpses adds particulate matter to the atmosphere that can contribute to climate change.