The past few nights, the Cincinnati Reds have played on national television. Usually, the opportunity to see my hometown team several times in a row would be a rare treat, but now that I’m a homeowner, I can’t help but grow cognizant of the way baseball fans are constantly bombarded with commercials for lawn care products between innings.

These commercials usually feature a man in his mid-40s wearing a white polo shirt (sometimes the shirt is salmon) carefully grooming his already lush, well-manicured lawn. In each case, the man, whose hair is also lush, couldn’t look happier to be working in the yard.

“This gentleman does not represent me,” I think to myself. “Where is the guy who stumbles out of his house around noon on Saturday and grudgingly runs the mower across the yard as quickly as possible and then later, when he notices he missed a spot, says, ‘Well, it’ll just have to wait until next week?’ Also, I wish the Reds would play less horribly.”

My options to address the Reds’ issues are, to be quite honest, limited, so I’ve instead focused on lawn care for the everyman. There are few resources available for the average guy who sort of likes the idea of mandatory watering restrictions. That way, your grass slowly dies because of civic responsibility instead of laziness.

To address this dearth of information, I’d like to share with you some workarounds (or #LawnHacks, as the kids would say) I’ve developed during my first spring as a homeowner:

Problem: Weather in Texas is unpredictable. With a 30% chance of thunderstorms in the forecast, should I start mowing the lawn even with the threat of being interrupted by rain?

Solution: Start drinking heavily around 2 p.m. No one could reasonably expect you to start mowing during the worst heat of the day, anyway.

By 6 p.m., you’ll have a better idea whether a thunderstorm will pass over your particular location. The forecasts suggests that three times in ten, it will be raining and you’re off the hook.

Seven times in ten, it will still be sunny and you’ll have ideal conditions to mow.

Ten times in ten, however, you’ll be too drunk to effectively operate the lawn mower. Consider taking a nap instead.

Problem: My lawn backs up to an alley and weeds frequently grow along the edge of my property.

Solution: Let the weeds continue to grow. The more they encroach, the less total area you have to mow.

Also, one of your neighbors will ask what you “planted” because the little white flowers “look so pretty along the fence line.”

Vaguely remember your Aunt Mary, a botanist (or at least something to do with flowers, certainly closer to a botanist than you), pointing to little white flowers and calling them “baby’s breath” when you were a kid. Tell the neighbor you planted baby’s breath.

Later, look it up online and learn that the little white flowers aren’t actually weeds and actually are baby’s breath. Celebrate the coincidence by writing a blog about it.

Stop hacking at the baby’s breath with your edger.

Problem: The real estate agent trying to sell the house next door suggests alternately that your grass is either too long or too short. Either way, it’s not the exact right length to sell the house for $170,000 more than you paid for yours.

Solution: Start dating a woman and, on the day of the open house, offer to take her to one of the restaurants on Magnolia for brunch. If you don’t live in Ft. Worth’s vibrant Near South Side, any place that serves flapjacks will work in a pinch.

The real estate agent will probably arrive 60 to 90 minutes before the open house, so try to leave by 10. That way, you won’t risk running into her while you escape.

Cut breakfast short when you realize the house next door is listed at $20 more per square foot than you bought your house for six months ago. Go home, intercept people as they leave the open house and offer to sell them your place for $100,000 less than the neighbors are asking, which would still net you a tidy profit.

Prepare to have the woman you left at the restaurant stop returning your calls.

It won’t matter. You’ll have plenty of time to meet women when you’re renting an apartment again and someone else mows the lawn.