Typically, I use this blog as the goof-off space for the hilarious “B” stories I encounter in my role as a journalist. As a result, many of you may not be familiar with some of the more serious work I pursue. For instance, I’ve recently written several stories on how Ft. Worth’s inaction on mass transit left it out in the cold on high speed rail.
A journalist, you see, must act as a conduit for the people. A politician or a chief executive cannot be accessible to every constituent, consumer or stockholder. Instead, the journalist steps in and gathers the information that will allow the populace to make informed decisions.
It’s with that eye toward the greater good that I attended the Texas Rangers’ annual media preview of new dishes available at the Ballpark this year:
Choomongous
The Choomongous was developed to replace the Boomstick, which signed with Baltimore during the off season, and the Murphadilla, which signed with Cleveland.
“All of our players associated with giant, hilariously named dishes have left the team via free agency,” General Manager Jon Daniels wrote in an email to Scouting Director Josh Boyd, I assume. “I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you the seriousness of this situation. Let’s take a close look at signing Shin Soo Choo. His ability to get on base and connection to Korean barbecue could provide a huge boost to the organization.”
The Choomongous is two feet long like the Boomstick and costs $26 like the Boomstick.
Unlike the Boomstick, however, I do not believe people will pridefully try to eat an entire Choomongous by themselves. The meat is spicy and the cole slaw on top is spicy. I thought it was just okay, but I’m not a huge fan of Korean barbecue. You might have a different experience.
An aside: my use of the phrase “two feet of Asian beef” on the air prompted an email from my newsroom.
Bacon on a Stick and Brisket Sausage
“Get a load of that bacon,” Casey Rapp, the Operations Manager for SportService, said to me. “You never see cuts of bacon that thick. It’s like a pork chop!”
If you’ve ever sat down to a half-pound shank of bacon and thought something was missing, the concessions operator at the Ballpark has you covered. Bacon on a Stick is more than just bacon: it’s on a stick, so you can walk around with it. It’s also dipped in maple syrup and given time to congeal before you buy it. It pairs well with the new frozen beer, which has a slushy foam head that keeps the rest of the beer colder longer.
On the brisket front, the Rangers have rolled out two new options: a hot dog topped with chopped brisket and a sausage made entirely from brisket.
Rapp said no one had ever ventured into the brisket sausage game before (he admits to stealing Bacon on a Stick from this year’s Super Bowl), so his crew spent the entire off-season working with Nolan Ryan Beef to make this happen. What a time to be alive!
My preference was for the hot dog topped with brisket, but several of my contemporaries liked the brisket sausage, with Richard Durrett from ESPN adding that the relish gives it just enough kick.
My non-Texas palate appears to not yet be sophisticated enough to handle the synergy of brisket and sausage. For now, I’m only capable of enjoying the dishes separately.
The International Table
These options are only available in the Jack Daniels Club. Apparently, season ticket holders are too good for bacon that’s as big as a pork chop because one of the featured items was an actual pork chop, which I found weirdly sweet.
Keep in mind, though, that’s an opinion from a man who has never accepted a preparation of pork chop that doesn’t involve Shake-n-Bake.
In the foreground of this picture is Caprese salad on flatbread. It’s got a pesto sauce that offers a nice kick if you’re looking for something lighter after, say, eating bacon followed by two kinds of brisket.
In the center with the Italian flags is the pizza burger. You can really taste the cheese, but not so much the pepperoni.
In the Rangers helmet is fried ice cream. I don’t know whether the ice cream or the coating tasted like cinnamon, but it was tremendous.
“Remember when you could only get, like, Dippin’ Dots in a helmet?” I asked Cristobal Vazquez, the Rangers’ executive chef.
“What Dots?” he replied.
“Damn straight,” I thought to myself.
I found myself at the end of the line. Having tasted all of the new items so you don’t have to, and then following a short nap, I felt prepared to make a recommendation.
Verdict: Save your money for Bacon on a Stick. The maple syrup isn’t overpowering and north Texas has some of the best cardiologists in the world. Plus, I think a bunch of people walking around gnawing on giant slabs of bacon will scare the hell out of Putin.
