Have you guys heard about these prison inmates from Idaho who are suing beer and wine companies on the grounds that alcohol made them criminals?

My first instinct was to think, “Oh, here we go again with another frivolous lawsuit.”

Already this year, we’ve had a dude sue Subway because his sandwich wasn’t 12 inches long and a woman sue her school because she got a bad grade.

I didn’t get good grades, either, but I didn’t go off half-cocked and sue the school. I remained fully-cocked and recognized that I was good at rabble-rousing. And that’s how I became a successful journalist.

And the guy who sued Subway didn’t even do his own research. He just piggy-backed off some industrious Australian who took the time to research the issue.

What does an Australian even know about how long a foot is? Shouldn’t their sandwiches be measured in meters (or “metres”)? Also, be careful when ordering from a Subway in Australia. If you sign up for “chips and a drink,” bear in mind that in Australia, “chips” means “six pack of Foster’s” and “drink” means “koala.”

Those are the kinds of lawsuits that clog our courts and make America look bad in front of the other countries.

But these inmates are different. These men, these visionaries, drafted the suit themselves. Anyone could have found a slimy lawyer to take the case and maybe score a few thousand dollars in some ridiculous settlement. These guys are fearlessly endeavoring for the big prize.

Call it whatever you want: gumption, moxie, spunk, fluviousness, temerity, get-up-and-go. It all adds up to the kind of chutzpah America needs if we’re going to stay ahead of the ruler-wielding Australians.

These men should be celebrated. This ingenuity has been sorely lacking in our society as we increasingly shift away from the work ethic and can-do attitude this nation was built upon and toward arguing with strangers on facebook. These inmates should be elected to Congress. Congress is just a bunch of crooks, anyway (Are ya with me, America?!).

Imagine the efficient and innovative solutions that would come from the Capitol:

WHEREAS North Korea conducted a third nuclear test in direct violation of resolutions adopted by the United Nations Security Council

AND WHEREAS previous efforts to establish direct and six-party negotiations with North Korea have failed

AND WHEREAS a North Korean nuclear program threatens the safety of American allies in the Pacific Rim

THE CONGRESS, on the Twenty-First day of February in the Year of our Lord Two Thousand Thirteen, hereby allocates a sum of one million dollars for a mission to knock whoever is the head North Korean guy around with a lead pipe and totally make a move on his old lady.

You might think a million dollars sounds like a lot just to hit Kim Jong Un in the kneecaps with a pipe, but I guarantee we’re spending a lot more than that now for less impressive results.

And surely our new inmate Congress wouldn’t stop there. They’d form a Super Pac (which I imagine would be called “Toilet Sangria for America”) and a political party (The no-nonsense “Let’s Go Git ‘Em” party). They would return us to the politics of yesteryear, when legislators avoided partisan gridlock by dueling each other, beating each other nearly to death and totally making moves on each other’s old ladies (or, in one case, old gentlemen).

These pioneers from Idaho may not have set out to change our nation, but they provide an example to each of us. This is an opportunity to examine your own life and take advantage of the opportunities for innovation that already lie before you.

I intend to start right now. In fact, I started several paragraphs ago when I made up the word fluviousness, which I think was a very crestidious move on my part.

The inmates and I are blazing a path toward a brighter future. Will you join us, America?