Have you heard about this outfit in Wisconsin that’s staging a sequel to A Christmas Carol?

I’m not sure how Ebenezer Scrooge plans to collect on any judgment involving defendants from the afterlife, but I appreciate the effort to bring a classic story into our modern, increasingly litigious society.

The holidays sure have changed since we were kids. Never mind whether you and I are the same age. The holidays have changed regardless of how old you are.

For instance, if you were to make a sequel to It’s a Wonderful Life, you’d probably find that George Bailey is once again questioning his place in Bedford Falls because he handed out home loans so much more recklessly than Mr. Potter and all the townsfolk were underwater on their mortgages.

Besides, we know from the original that Bedford Falls would have done great under Mr. Potter’s leadership: people were drinking more and there was a bordello right there in town!

But more shocking than learning that Mr. Potter was a sensible banker who was simply decades ahead of his time are the unreasonable demands we now place upon Santa Claus.

First of all, I imagine the most hectic time of year for him is the week after Thanksgiving, not Christmas Eve.

There was a time when Santa headlined one event before Christmas: the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Now, he’s the grand marshal of just about every parade in November and December. For crying out loud, he appeared at the Fort Worth Parade of Lights the night after Thanksgiving and then had to come back eight days later for the Dallas Children’s Parade!

In between, he probably headlined some smaller weeknight parades in, like, Davenport.

Try a travel schedule like that for a few weeks and see how jolly you are.

I suspect Santa would tell you it’s similar to the Super Bowl. The players always say the two weeks leading up to the game are tougher than the game itself. Once you’re on the field, or reindeer-sleighing your way around the world, it’s just like any other game.

But even Santa’s Christmas Eve journey has surely become much more burdensome, especially since the September 11th attacks.

I can’t imagine he has a passport.

Consider this: Santa Claus is German, right? But his primary residence has been at the North Pole for hundreds of years. Won’t that raise questions about his citizenship? Where’s he going to renew his passport? Kids today are too savvy to believe in a German embassy at the North Pole.

“The North Pole isn’t a sovereign nation,” I can hear some adorable four year old girl who just lost one of her front teeth telling a befuddled mall Santa. “What diplomatic issues could possibly arise there that couldn’t be more efficiently handled at the German consulate in Ilulissat, Greenland? Santa? What diplomatic issues?”

And the mall Santa would have to explain that he’s not the real Santa, he’s just helping the real Santa out, but he heard some of the elves at the North Pole were from Dusseldorf or something and had problems with their work visas.

Outside of the travel restrictions, Santa must feel like he’s under a microscope. There are no fewer than ten apps in the iTunes store (one of which isn’t even free!) that allow you to track Santa’s every move.

What if the guy decides to stop off for a sandwich or maybe a quick muffin while he’s in Kuala Lumpur? Some kid, maybe yourkid, is going to be staring at his iPad machine and muttering, “Get back to work, old man.” For all your kid knows, Kuala Lumpur has the best muffins in the world!

You couldn’t pay me enough.