The title of this blog is borrowed from a book by political satirist P.J. O’Rourke. It was written in 1990, but I checked it out again so I’d have something to read on the plane when I covered the Republican convention earlier this year. I wanted to know if it would hold up more than 20 years later.
He discusses spiraling debt and hypocrisy by members of both parties who advocate responsible use of taxpayer dollars but simultaneously fight for expensive pet projects within their districts. Luckily, we’ve since got those issues licked!
I bring this up because we’re wrapping up what cable news channels are calling “the most negative presidential campaign in American history.”
“Where’s the civility?” a graphic on the Fox News Channel recently read as I strolled through the newsroom.
“The campaign has set records for nastiness,” Senator Joe Lieberman lamented on CNN earlier this year.
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who’s noticed we seem to have a pretty short memory.
Just as we seem to forget that reckless spending has been an issue since Thomas Jefferson blew all that money on the Louisiana Purchase, we seem to forget that 2012 would mark, by my estimation, the 57th consecutive “most negative presidential campaign in American history.”
How have the presidential candidates shamed each other in the past? Let’s take a look:
1792: John Adams tells a crowd of Puritans that George Washington is an unholy zombie whose original teeth rotted out because he kept eating the brains of the God-fearing.
“Because he now possesses teeth crafted from wood, he must boil down the brains into a thin broth,” Adams would go on to explain. “Of course, if goat’s milk is available, the brains would take on the consistency of a bisque.”
1828: In a rematch of the 1824 general election, incumbent John Quincy Adams attempts to fend off Andrew Jackson with a campaign song called “Little Know Ye Who’s Coming,” which warned Americans that a vote for Jackson was a vote for, among other things, plague, pestilence and Satan. This, by the way, actually happened.
1856: In his four years in office, James Buchanan would alienate both abolitionists and slave owners, ultimately plunging the United States into civil war. Perhaps this excerpt from the New York Times during the campaign provided a warning that the first bachelor to serve as president was a bit rough around the edges:
During a campaign rally at Fort Sumter, Mr. Buchanan halted his prepared remarks after protestors in the crowd cried out in favor of secession from the Union.
“Secede?! You don’t have the guts!” Buchanan exclaimed over the crowd.
He then removed a pistol from his belt and encouraged the protestors to “give him an excuse.”
“Harpies, the whole lot of ya! I dare you to secede!” Buchanan continued. “I got yer palmetto tree right here!”
The former Secretary of State then gestured toward his nether region.
1864: Abraham Lincoln feared he would not receive the necessary majority of electoral votes and rushes Nevada, which would be a Republican stronghold, to statehood. This also, I would point out, actually happened.
1892: Benjamin Harrison had beaten incumbent Grover Cleveland four years earlier. Facing a determined Cleveland in 1892, public opinion of Harrison grew more negative after a private fundraiser where, recorded on a hidden phonograph, Harrison is heard to quip, “Grover Cleveland is so rotund, he occupies two non-consecutive seats in his campaign carriage.”
1960: Roger Plimperfeld pulled into his driveway and thought it was odd that none of the lights inside the house was turned on. He was late arriving home from work, having stopped to cast his ballot for John F. Kennedy. He entered his home and called out to his wife and daughter. Hearing only silence, he figured they must have gone shopping.
Moments later, Roger heard a strange sound coming from upstairs, almost like a muffled scream. He went to the bedroom, expecting to find the door to the utility closet would need to be oiled again.
Horror washed over his face as he spotted the silhouettes of his wife and daughter on the floor. He didn’t see Richard Nixon emerge from the shadows until it was too late…
1980: Jimmy Carter, his poll numbers plummeting, warns voters during a campaign stop that Ronald Reagan, if elected, would move into the house next door to you and start up his weed whacker every morning early enough that it would wake you up but late enough so you wouldn’t have time to get back to sleep before your alarm goes off.
1992: George H.W. Bush accuses Bill Clinton of pledging to lay with any woman who agrees to vote for him. Clinton fires back, saying he had pledged to lay with any woman who agreed to vote for him, “except the real Bowsers.”
Present Day: Imagine if Mitt Romney openly campaigned on a platform that Barack Obama is Satan. Or if Barack Obama corralled some barges in Lake Michigan and declared it a state just in time for the election.
“Oh, he would totally do that,” I can hear the more fervent supporters of either candidate now muttering toward their computer screen.
If the nastiest thing you deal with in the 2012 campaign is Phil from Accounting posting conspiracy theories on his facebook page, then I’d consider this one pretty tame. Remember, come Wednesday, he’s just going to go back to posting pictures of hilarious cats.
Six of one, I’d say.
