I was surprised at the way the death of Steve Jobs resonated with people. Just about every day, word comes into our newsroom that someone of fame or influence has passed away. Most of the time, people nod their head, vaguely remembering that so-and-so was in that movie they saw back when they were dating that girl from Biloxi.
But as I started reading accounts on facebook, I realized how this man had managed to connect with millions and millions of people he had never met. He had become a visionary to the world, and that position is now vacant.
I accept that challenge!
The political landscape has become increasingly volatile. Not 19th century volatile where Congressmen would beat each other with canes. That was action.
Now, everyone just hollers and blames each other for a stalemate. If Congress were a woman, she’d always say everything was fine and then lash out at you for leaving your socks on the floor.
And you’d call Congress a passive-aggressive shrew.
This brought me back to the time I thought about how George Washington would freak out if he traveled to the year 2011 and saw cows writing billboards.
What would the Founding Fathers say when they witnessed our current political climate? Consider the following conversation I imagine I’d have with Thomas Jefferson:
ME: What did you do when the Founding Fathers reached a political stalemate?
THOMAS JEFFERSON: We killed a bunch of British. Is it still socially acceptable to kill British people?
ME: It is not.
TJ: Who is it socially acceptable to kill?
ME: No one.
TJ: You mean this nation has become this thing you call a “super power” [Editors Note: Alan and Thomas Jefferson would have already discussed the Cold War era. It was quite a conversation.] and we can’t even kill British to make a point?
ME: People get upset.
TJ: Makes me wonder what it was all for.
[exeunt]
You see, declaring war on Great Britain was the most technologically advanced option available to the Founding Fathers. We must now look at the most advanced option for Congress in 2011.
Solution: automate it.
Everything else is automated. Car washes. Elevators. Radio stations. Why not automate Congress? You wouldn’t have to worry about emotional pleas for some stupid pet project in some dude’s district. The robots would rule with cold, hard reason.
Trivia! Which of the following was a real ear mark request and which one did I make up? Find the answer at the end:
A.) $150,000 for preschool anger management research
B.) $75,000 for the development of the Paper Industry Hall of Fame
You see, there would still be Congressional districts. You would still vote. But instead of deciding between a dude in a blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a lady in a crisp business suit wearing a hard hat in a factory, you’d answer a questionnaire about your feelings on various political issues.
Instead of a dude winning 60% of the vote and going to Washington thinking there’s no need to compromise, the robot would download the information from the questionnaire [a questionnaire, I would add, already exists in real life] and act accordingly.
Is the district overwhelmingly conservative on fiscal issues but moderately liberal on social issues? There’s an app for that!
There would still be a president. He would be an old-timey clerk and enter the robots’ decisions into a large ledger. The president would be at least 85 years old and wear a green visor.
The Capitol would also employ a full-time mechanic and a part-time apprentice who would apply oil to your new robot legislators.
I asked one of our weekend news anchors, Joe, about the feasibility of my plan. Joe is, during the week, an engineer at UT/Arlington’s radio station.
“There’s a lot of problems with this,” he explained.
I’m not hearing “impossible!”
I’d call it the iCongress. Actually, that might infringe on a number of copyrights.
I’d call it the ScaiCongress.
I know what you’re thinking: “Alan, you handsome devil, aren’t you worried the robots will eventually become sentient and approve unreasonably large subsidies for red, glowing eyeball research?”
Yes, that is a concern, but I suspect it’ll take generations for the robots to evolve to that level. Besides, I’d be more worried about the robots passing a population control resolution that would force all flesh-based organisms to report to “reassignment facilities” at age 30. The horrors you’ll witness there will surely dwarf any concerns about the robots jumping into bed with Big Eyeball.
There will be so many buzz saws.
In the meantime, I’ve bought us 100 years of relative political tranquility. You’re welcome, America.
