I’m no professional critic, but I am a college-educated male between the ages of 18 and 49. My opinion is so valuable to the networks, the president of NBC came over with his tool belt the last time my blender went on the fritz. Below are some thoughts from an average man taking in the sights and sounds of television’s second golden age (the first golden age, of course, being the sitcoms of the 1980s):
Magnum, PI (CBS)
I appreciate the music being the same and the characters all have the same name. One question: why not, then, just show reruns of Magnum PI from the 1980s?
I can only assume Tom Selleck will show up at some point, but Higgins has moved on to the great Robin’s Nest in the sky. Having an attractive lady-Higgins is distracting, like you assume Young Magnum and Lady Higgins will start with shenanigans at some point.
New Amsterdam (NBC)
A network executive sat bolt-upright in bed one night and exclaimed, “Everyone’s done great with anti-social, misfit doctors. What if we–honey, wake up and listen to this–what if we had a swarthy, charming doctor and everyone ELSE is an anti-social misfit?!”
New Amsterdam follows the trend of showing that everyone at a hospital is involved in shenanigans [or had been involved in shenanigans] with everyone else at the hospital.
You know what would be a new take on hospital dramas? If Gary Busey was the administrator. You’re welcome, network television.
Murphy Brown (CBS)
I was a wee tyke when the first Murphy Brown was on. It’s great, even in this politically-charged culture that CBS has managed to introduce a new generation to a show that makes politics seem stuffy enough that only their parents will watch.
Gong Show (ABC)
Do the people who get gonged know they’re going to get gonged? Maybe getting gonged isn’t so bad. Frankly, I wouldn’t mind getting gonged more often.
Regardless, the contestants have got to know Mike Myers will be the best performer on the show.
LA to Vegas (2018)
I may be old fashioned, but there aren’t enough ensemble comedies on TV today. I’m thoroughly enjoying the stereotypical one-liners. They’re right: Airlines DO sneak in fees! I bet pilots DO think Sully was lucky!
Good Doctor (ABC)
How come television had never developed a show about an anti-social, genius doctor before?!
I would have preferred Good Doctor to take a year off from TV. When I see him, I keep thinking Norman Bates is remarkably well adjusted.
The Orville (Fox)
I appreciate that the robot sounds like Data, and Bortus looks a bit like Worf. Maybe I’m too old fashioned, though, but I’d like to see the commander of a space ship gaze into the distance in a statelier manner.
The “B” stories about robots cutting off people’s legs a practical joke are exactly the type of thing I’m terrified would happen in the future.
Me, Myself and I (2017-2018)
I started watching this because it was good to see John Larroquette on TV again, but it started making me feel good to see a socially uncomfortable man manage to succeed at different stages of life.
I also appreciated an episode where young Larroquette said “patent pending” a lot.
Ozark (Netflix)
Why don’t TV show producers ever choose Chicago as the backdrop for a show about transparent government or a business that’s run wholesomely? Is America ready to accept Jason Bateman as a villain?
Superior Donuts (2017-2018)
This would be funnier if Judd Hirsch spent more time complaining about young people. Also, Bob Newhart should own the dry cleaning place next door.
Wait! This was a show! And it had Jason Bateman! How was that not the next Cheers?!
The Wall (NBC)
This feels like an elaborate game of Plinko.
Designated Survivor (Netflix)
With Jack Bauer at the helm, I don’t understand how people could possibly be questioning the nation’s leadership. Designated Survivor acts as a civics lesson. Did you know Jack Bauer was the first Secretary of Housing and Urban Development to serve as the designated survivor since 1984?
$100,000 Pyramid (ABC)
This reboot of the Dick Clark classic is part of ABC’s weird, new game show lineup. Weird and delightful. It calls to mind a time when college associates and I would get drunk and watch old Match Game episodes on the Game Show Network and then wander into Taco Bell screaming the theme song. One problem with Pyramid: the total has not been adjusted for inflation. It’s the same $100,000 Dick Clark was hocking back in 1991. Today, according to some website with an inflation calculator, that’s only worth about 56% as much. Also, Michael Strahan had to come out after a final round and tell the guy he was getting more money because he had been “inadvertently buzzed” on one answer. Dick Clark would never have tolerated inadvertent buzzing.
The People v OJ Simpson (2016)
While we can remember watching this play out on television (and, this is just hypothetical, the way your freshman theology class erupted in emotion when the nun who was your teacher turned on the television so you could watch the verdict), this series offers a behind-the-scenes look at the characters. While the stories are interesting, I can’t help but feel like I know how this is going to end.
The Grinder (2015)
I feel bad for forgetting the name of the actor who played the Grinder’s brother and looking him up by googling “Kevin Arnold.” Also, I didn’t care to learn that Fred Savage is now 39. That makes me feel old.
Tyrant (2014-2016)
If Tyrant doesn’t wish to become a tyrant, why doesn’t Tyrant just return home with his family after the wedding? I’m sure there’s more to this story, but I can’t imagine a scenario where I watch another episode.
Cosmos (2014)
This remake of the classic Carl Sagan miniseries shows us that there’s no point in doing anything. Don’t feel like taking out the trash? In a trillion years, we’re just going to be a bunch of atoms floating aimlessly in a cold, dark universe, so what’s the point?
Turn (2014-2017)
When I watch, all I can think about is how horrible the colonies must have smelled during the revolution, what with all the wool uniforms and people sweating and rotten, maggot-infested fruit lying around.
American Horror Story: Coven (FX)
Listen, I think we can all agree last season’s story about the insane asylum got a little unwieldy, what with all the mythical beasts: mutants, space aliens, Catholics.
But I have high hopes for this year because it features Kathy Bates doing what Kathy Bates does best: using psychological terror to reach into the deepest corner of my mind and haunt my very dreams.
Please don’t send me an email about the Catholics line. I’m Catholic.
Under the Dome (2013-2015)
If there were an Emmy Award for scowling, Dean Norris would be a shoo-in.
My biggest problem was that, during a lot of the outdoor scenes, there’s this breeze rustling through the trees… inside the dome! It was really taking me out of the story, so I asked our meteorologist, Brad Barton, how crazy he thinks it is that there’s wind under the dome.
“Well, Alan, if they have a lake in there, remember that land and water warm up at different rates, so that could create a pressure gradient and cause some wind,” he explained. “But it still sounds like a stupid show.”
He’s right. How come they don’t spend any time trying to, like, get out of the dome?
House of Cards (Netflix)
At first, I didn’t understand why we were supposed to give Kevin Spacey the skunk-eye. What was supposed to seem like corruption just appeared to me like consensus-building.
But then he got a little murder-y. And for some reason, the investigators never asked why the gentleman from Pennsylvania, if he had committed suicide, would have been sitting in the passenger seat of his car.
Also, why does the reporter in every show about political intrigue have to be young and plucky? Why doesn’t Zoe Barnes ever have anything better to do than wait for Kevin Spacey to text her? Doesn’t she have deadlines?
Bates Motel (2013-2017)
“If we’re going adapt this thing for TV,” the network executive with the red tie said to the network executive with the blue tie. “We’re going to need update the content for a modern audience. Psycho would be tame by today’s standards.”
“What’s creepier than a deranged murderer running a hotel on the California coast?” the network executive in the blue tie asked.
“A deranged murderer running a hotel on the Oregon coast!” the network executive with the red tie responded. “The Pacific Northwest is at least eight times creepier than California. Look at Goonies, Kindergarten Cop, The Ring, The Hunted…”
“I’d be a fool to argue with that,” Blue Tie Executive concedes.
Now that the world has been introduced to Norma Bates, I think we can agree Norman actually grew up to be remarkably well-adjusted. I’m conflicted: Norma might kill you, but she’s also very attractive. Her craziness makes her get-able.
The Americans (2013-2018)
Damn you, FX, for making me root for the Russians! I already know how this story ends!
But at the same time, you’re also making me root for the grizzled FBI agent. If only the Beemans and Jennings could just get together and talk this whole thing out, maybe over some barbecue and pickled herring, or whatever Russians eat.
For a long time, I didn’t know how to feel. But then I realized I wasn’t rooting for one side over the other. I was rooting for excellent television. And that’s the most American thing of all.
Hell on Wheels (2011-2016)
I cleared space on my DVR immediately upon learning about a new series that would feature the transcontinental railroad and an emotionally-scarred Confederate soldier out for revenge. Little did I know to also expect a alcoholic, sword wielding pastor and Star Trek the Next Generation’s Colm Meaney as the man I thought lent his name to Durant, Oklahoma until I looked it up just now!
Kids hate school, but show this to them in history class and they’ll be rapt all the way to Promontory Point!
American Horror Story (FX)
This is creepy and kind of a good time. My issue is one day I was watching the credits at the end and saw “Theme Song written by Cesar Davila-Irizarry.”
Maybe this is nitpicking, but there’s only a bunch of noises with a bass playing in the background. I don’t know if it’s appropriate to be throwing around words like “song.”
“Opening Sequence with Photographic Negative to Denote Demonic Baby written by Cesar Davila-Irizarry” would be more appropriate.
Update, American Horror Story: Asylum: I didn’t know until shortly before the beginning of Season Two that this would be a separate mini-series with different characters. I guess leaving the demon spawn of a ghost and that woman from Spin City in the care of the deranged neighbor is what Television considers wrapping everything up in a neat package.
Dallas (2012-2014)
I was shocked at how much face-slapping and knowing glances occur in north Texas. Of course as a reporter, I was aware of some face-slapping, just not this much. Maybe I’m not spending enough time with my richer, more unstable sources.
I’ve detailed my concerns of a post-Larry Hagman series over on the blog.
Revolution (2012-2014)
I have high expectations for a show that features Gus from Breaking Bad. The post-electricity world seems mostly intact, though. Why, a full 15 years after all technology was disabled, has no one thought to just grab some schematics and start building new power plants.
Vegas (2012-2013)
The first scene showed a guy on a horse riding up to an old-timey airport and punching a guy in the face. That was more than enough to draw me in. And Michael Chiklis is a national treasure, no one’s arguing that, but is America ready to believe The Commish would stray to the other side of the law? Because I bet a lot of the audience for Vegas didn’t watch The Shield.
Whitney (2011-2013)
My DVR recorded a couple minutes of this at the end of an episode of The Office. Just in that amount of time, I had already grown to hate the laugh track.
Partners (2012)
I think it says a lot about where we’ve come as a society when I can watch a television program and not see a gay character and a straight character but simply see two characters who are equally not funny. When the straight guy kissed his girlfriend, the laugh track played that sound where the audience goes “Ooooh!” ABC’s TGIF line-up called. It wants its sound effect back. I turned it off after that.
Boss (2011-2012)
I wanted to get into this. I really did. But then I heard a promo for it on the radio with a clip of Kelsey Grammer saying, not ironically, “Do you know who I am?” Maybe it’s an amazing program, but that line was unforgiveably cliche. Why not play a clip of him telling a donor he has to “spend money to make money” and then have the donor hand over a big sack with a dollar sign on it?!
Update: I did watch it and it was tremendous. Kelsey Grammer played the role of corrupt mayor brilliantly. His jowls have never been more prominent!
PanAm (2011-2012)
I’m learning a lot from this drama about the Golden Age of air travel. For instance, did you know the men and women who worked for PanAm were actually quite dull and one-dimensional?
Harry’s Law (2011-2012)
I found season one to be a delightful romp about a li’l ol’ lady representing a bunch of gang members who kept pulling guns on each other.
Now, all of a sudden, there’s this elevator in her shoe store and she’s, for some reason, the defense lawyer on a bunch of high-profile cases. I’m not a lawyer. Does this happen frequently in the legal community?
The lawyer who reminds me of Cousin Larry Appleton just seems angry instead of bumbling but effective. The other lawyer who argued with Cousin Larry all the time is no longer funny and a shrewd litigator. He’s just funny… which, ironically, I find less funny.
And no one pulls guns on anyone anymore!
I asked my brother, who’s some kind of Hollywood muckity-muck, how we can be expected to believe all this.
“They have a new show-runner,” he thinks he explained to me.
I don’t know what a show-runner is, and I don’t care to know. But if you want men between the ages of 18 and 34 to watch a show, it’s going to take a lot more than just Kathy Bates sighing loudly.
Terra Nova (2011)
There should be more dinosaur attacks.
“If you’re not sure, it’s better to err on the side of too many dinosaur attacks instead of too few.”
That was one of the last things my grandfather said to me before he died. Those words ring truer now than ever.
I do appreciate the explanation of the different “time stream.” Loyal Scaiaholics will know from past blogs that I’m sort of a stickler about inter-dimensional portals.
